Thursday, August 16, 2007

Can't Shake It

I wish I could say today's a better day. I thought when I woke up for the first time with Emma that it was going to be a better day. I thought that last night's little wake up call would put me in a different mood.
Ok so about last night. It was I think about 3 am when I hear yelling coming from outside, so I go to the window and I see a guy on his knee's, one MP handcuffing him, and another pointing his gun at him. Interesting to say the least. During that time I didn't see the 3rd MP, she as a ways back. It's a small post, so I definately know the female MP there's not a ton of female MP's on this post and when we had an issue with some kids a while back she was the one to take my statement. After that everything seemed to go off without incident. Chad stayed up a little longer and by being nosey ('s not just me!) discovered the guy was breaking into cars. The MP's I guess called to verify that all the cars in our parking lot were supposed to be there.

So I just really did expect to wake up in a better mood, but it didn't happen. I'm not mad at anyone, although Chad seems to think I am mad at him. I'm just feeling really blah. I'm not tired although I could so go back to bed and it's almost 1 pm. I didn't get up until 10:45 the way it is. Emma was sleeping beside me...we wake up for her to nurse, Chad changes her diapers, and we sleep. Chad gets up with the boys. He doesn't go back to work until next Tuesday (it's a 4 day here).

I want to be smiling and filled with joy, but fears got a grip on my heart today and it took until today for me to see it for what it is. I'm scared. Scared that I won't get to keep Emma any longer than I got to keep Jordyn. You have no idea the lump in my throat as I type those words. I'm scared to death. I love this little girl with everything in me and the thought of losing her, of her being sick, anything less than 80 years with her is not ok for my heart. I know I need to give it to GOD. I know that worrying about something I have no control over is rediculous and will not change anything. My brain knows this. Now will someone explain it to my heart?

I need to turn off the tv, turn the lights off, and drop to my knee's and start praying and telling God outloud my fears. Poor Chad doesn't know what to do with me. He thinks he's done something. The boys are doing everything they can to make me smile and just make me happy. Jacob hugs me literally at least 20 times a day.

I don't believe at all this is PPD, I just think it's a little baby blues but most of all fear and that darn human interest story which I've now seen 3 or 4 times does NOT help and I know you'd think I would just turn the channel, but I can't. I also can't explain to you why I can't. Kelly and Emily are probably the two who read here who can possibly get that, then again they may think I've lost it as well. I just can't bring myself to turn the channel when I know I get to see Walter Reed again, when I know I can see the clinic. It's crazy I know.

Tomorrow we're going to another post about 1 1/2 to 2 hrs away. The soldiers here go there to do training, but we're going to go there to their PX because it's a lot bigger and the one PX that's an hour from here that is about the same size has nothing left pretty well, it's a ghost town. Linda you wouldn't believe how empty it is now. It's rather sad to be honest and I can't bare to go up there hardly. I haven't been there in months. Anyways, we're going to find Emma some clothes, maybe I can find me something, get the boys some, and just look around as well. I haven't been there before so it'll be a new area for me. I'm hoping it cheers me up and distracts my brain a little tomorrow.


Linda said...


Wish I could be there to help cheer you up a bit. I feel for you...even though I have not been through what you went through with Jordyn, I did have a miscarriage that I still carry in my heart (before Hannah), and I STILL worry, to this day, that something will happen. But it's not the same as having a child and holding and loving, and then losing her.

Babies hold such an immense potential...for EVERYONE. They're new, they're innocent. We teach them what we know, in the hopes that they grow up to be better than we be stronger, braver, smarter, godlier...that they might save the world, cure cancer, discover new things. And we fear for every little thing that could happen...and when the worst does happen, like Jordyn's leukemia, we will grieve forever for the loss of potential. So yeah, I can totally feel for you. Your fears are NOT unknown. Having someone breaking into cars outside your window...the not knowing of how safe we are; it's enough to bring anyone to their knees.

God will guide you, as always...remember that he KNOWS Emma, and YOU...and he has plans for you always (Jeremiah 29:11 - for I know the plans I have for you...plans to prosper you and not harm you...) We only need to give it all to Him in glory and honor and let Him guide us. And it's hard to do, because we are fallible - we make mistakes. We think we can control it, and we can't.

I'm sorry to hear that Wurzburg is a ghost town...I'd heard that it was thinning fast...sad. We never did make it down to Grafenwoer while we were there....I hear that is building up immensely!!!

Kelly said...

I think what you're feeling is so normal. (and I think I feel sorrier for Chad, because, well, he's a man and he'll just never "get" it LOL). And I don't think it will ever go away. Just like the grief, I think you just find a way to fit your life around it somehow and try to make the best of it. Emma is so perfect, and the fact is she will probably trudge through this life and never have be touched by anything life threatening until she's an adult. But we both know that we just don't know. And that's where it all goes to heck. It's one of those forever things again. We will never know, we just have to get up each day and trust that His hands will take care of us. It's so hard, and so scary.