Sunday night/Monday Morning

I've struggled with insomnia for 7 1/2 yrs and it's not fun. After I have a baby it "disappears" for a short time, just long enough to get my hopes up that it's finally gone, but before I know it my mind is back to racing and I'm wide awake until the wee hours of the mornings. With insomnia over the years I've found myself on here more than anywhere. There are often times I've thrown a load of laundry in the washer or waiting for clothes to finish up in the washers, but most often than not...it's my quiet time after the kids are asleep and Chad. I normally spend time in prayer while sitting here in front of this screen as well.

Tonight loneliness has taken over me. I just feel very disconnected right now. I'm totally dwelling on the upcoming deployment and wonder if my family will ever step up and really be there for me during a deployment. Sadly I doubt they ever will, this will be our 5th deployment, 3rd to Iraq what would make them step up NOW? I just wish they would. I don't feel sorry for myself when it comes to deployments. The majority of my friends are, have, or will be going through one themselves so how's feeling pity for myself going to make things better or easier? It's not. It doesn't mean though that I don't want love and support. See my mind knows what we're about to face, my heart is having a harder time coming to grips with it though. Sometimes I just want to say "hasn't our family been through enough?" We miss every single day with Jordyn. Not a single day goes by that I don't think of her. I look at Emma and wonder what it'd be like for her to have her big sister. I wonder the same thing for my boys. It's a question that I'll never see answered this side of Heaven. I accept it, doesn't mean I don't still wonder though.

I am honestly feeling I guess you could call it deployment exhaustion, and it's not even started. It's just know he's going AGAIN and then I meet people who's NEVER been deployed and that is absolutely frustrating. I know it comes down to MOS's (Army lingo...the type of job they have), some of it's simply luck of coming and going from a unit and just missing deployments over and over again. Three deployments to Iraq in 5 years is just so much. I miss my husband and although I GET how blessed we are with all the technology we have that no other war has had...we have internet/email/im's/webcams. We have phone services, cell phones, satelite phones. The reality is, there's still nothing like when he's home.

I want to be the best mom to my kids always, but especially during deployments. Last time I was not so much. This time I want to be better. I know that if I give this request over to Christ he'll give me everything I need to get through it. I just have to remember not to take it BACK from Christ when he does take the burden.

I'm starting to finally get tired, hopefully this made some sense. I'll write more tomorrow all of a sudden exhaustion has taken over and I can barely keep my eyes open.

God Bless

Time's Fleeting

I've wanted to blog, it's been eating away at me, yet wasn't sure exactly what I was going to write about. The one thing I've tried hard to NOT write about is what's here, bubbling out of me. As we draw near the end of 2007 I'm thankful that Chad was home with us this year, next year will be quite a different story. I don't think I've blogged about it, but Chad will be deploying again in late spring. This will be his (our) 3rd deployment to OIF and our 5th over all deployment in the last almost 11 yrs of our marriage. There are so many things that I'm not looking forward to concerning the deployment.

1. He'll be gone for 15 months. This is not a maybe, not a "well hopefully"...this is what it is. Although they are hoping to scale deployments back to 12 months, there was an article I read that stated even when it has, those who have been issued the 15 mo. deployment by such and such date will still deploy for those 15 months, so no matter we know Chad will be gone for 15 months. It's really hard for me to swallow this, to grasp it so to speak. God has definately been preparing our hearts and world for this. Our first deployment was a 4 month to Bosnia, then a 6 month to Kuwait (he was there during 9-11 that was soooo stressful!) then he went to Iraq for 9 months, then Iraq for 12...so it really only makes sense that this deployment would also increase. I know we'll manage just fine, but I'm simply not looking forward to it. He's my husband and as much as he gets on my nerves, I do not want him gone for so long. A month here and there is one thing, but goodness this is just a whole new ball game. We'll be fine, we'll make it I'm just going to miss him.

2. He's going to miss out on so much with the kids. Jacob will be 8 1/2 by the time he gets home. Jackson will be 6 (well he may actually get home before his birthday so we'll see how that one plays out), and Emma will be 2. Emma will not know her Daddy the way she should. He's going to miss so much with all the kids, but those sweet milestones of Emma's breaks my heart. What's ironic is that with all of our children he's missed out on that 6th month of their life and I was so excited to think that finally he was going to be home for one of our kids 6 month, but nope...he'll be off training for the whole month! Well he'll get to be with her for 2 days of it. It does figure, so I'm not all that surprised!

We have a few more months still. I just feel tired already thinking of it. The plan right now is that the kids and I will go back to the states for about 6 weeks to visit family and friends. Most likely by the time we get back it'll be over 3 yrs since we've been to the states and it'll be the first time Emma will have been there! I am feeling really sad that my family is missing out on Emma's babyhood. They see her in pictures, but it's not exactly the same. I really wish they could come here or we could afford a trip to visit them, but that's just not going to happen.

It's late and my families all in bed. Chad and Emma are warm and cozy in our bed and it's time for me to crawl in there. I know these moments are fleeting and I need to take advantage of them every moment I can.

God Bless

After Christmas

I got this from a friends blog and it grabbed my heart I just had to share it. I don't know the author, so if you do, let me know and I'll give credit...for now though it's "Author Unknown"

After Christmas

When the song of the angels is stilled,

When the star in the sky is gone,

When the kings and princes are home,

When the shepherds are back with their flocks,

The work of Christmas begins;

To find the lost,

To heal the broken,

To feed the hungry,

To release the prisoner,

To rebuild the nations,

To bring peace among people,

To make music in the heart.

***************************************************************************

We had a wonderful Christmas. We do one Santa gift, normally the kids each get a gift, but this year it was a big one and for everyone...Santa brought us a Cat. She's a beautiful tabby that the boys named Whiskers. Not sure how old she is, we'll get her into the vet and see if Dr. Mike can tell us how old she is. We got her from a friend who got her from a friend who's husband was injured while in Afganistan and ended up being medically retired because of the injury, she simply couldn't afford to take Whiskers (they had 2 dogs and hadn't had whiskers very long). The mutual friend had the task of finding her a new home and we were the happy ones to jump on being that home! The boys were speechless and so excited! We already have a cat here, Pounce, but simply put he's as antisocial as a cat can be. Whiskers isn't! She's not even stepped into our bedroom I don't think and it was the FIRST place Pounce dashed to the moment we brought him home. Whisker's is very social, playful, and just wonderful to be around. She LIKES people!

They got many other gifts and still have many to come from friends and family in the states. The boys also got a big gift each. Jacob got a PSP and Jack got a Leapster LMax. They both really, really like them and have had a great time with them. Momma's played on the leapster already and thinking tomorrow might have to play with the PSP. What's funny is in general I'm not a fan of these sort of games...but Jack's "Cars" game totally addictive! ROFL!

As wonderful of an addition as Whisker's is, this Christmas's best addition is by and far Emma. I don't want anyone to misunderstand me when I say this and I'll put out a disclaimer..I LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOVE My boys. I adore them, my life would be missing and lacking without them and I love them just as much...ok. Emma is someone I've prayed for. When Jordyn died and I found myself pregnant with Jacob I was simply not ready for a daughter and thankfully I knew it and God definately knew it. God blessed us with Jacob and he was the child my heart and arms needed. When Jackson came along, we wanted a girl, but I was not heartbroken to find out he was a boy, again he was exactly who we needed in our family. But...I've always wanted to raise a daughter. I had Jordyn and she will ALWAYS be our daughter, simply put though I don't get to raise her. I had her for the most precious 2 yrs 1 month and 8 days of my life, but she's with Jesus now. She's better off there, she's where we all want to be some day. I do not fear death. I know I'll be with Jesus and Jordyn when I die. I look to that day as a glorious day for me. None the less, I've prayed for Emma. From the time Jack was 2 I was ready for God to give our family another child, and I DESPERATELY wanted a girl. My heart and arms ACHED for her. I knew in my heart God would give us another daughter one day and I prayed that when I found out I was pg last Dec. 17 that the baby growing inside of me would be the daughter I had been aching for. The day we found out Emma was a girl, I cried tears of joy. Emma had been growing in my heart for so long, that relief flooded my soul.

I knew Chad wanted a daughter and both boys wanted a sister. I knew Jacob would be wonderful with her, and Jack was very excited and liked other people's babies, but I wasn't sure how he'd be since he'd been the baby of the family for almost 4 yrs (although do NOT call him a baby...oh he doesn't like that! LOL). Jackson was MADE to be a big brother.

In my joy, grief was crepped in. I've ached for Jordyn more this year than in recent years. As I've distantly walked the path of fresh grief with my sweet Emily and so many emotions of once again having a daughter (some baby blues to go along with it), it's been emotional to say the least. My heart so often feels like it's going to explode with joy because of everything Emma has brought our family, yet there is those "what might have beens". I would NEVER wish Jordyn to be back here, she's in Heaven, painfree and with Jesus. But....what would life be like had she never had cancer or simply beat it the way we prayed she would and she'd be alive being the sister to 2 brothers and 1 sister. Would she be a mother hen, or more of an annoyed almost 10 yr old who's siblings drive her crazy? I will never have this answer.

I thank God for the blessings he's bestowed on me. I have so many, but 5 of them are the most precious. Chad, who loves me more than I deserve most days...who together we've made 4 of the most, if not the most beautiful children that's graced this earth. Jordyn, who made me a mother and showed me just how much living can be lived in a far too short of life of 2 yrs 1 month and 8 days. Jacob who showed me I really COULD love again, after my world had been ripped from my arms. Jackson who has made me laugh more than I think I've ever laughed at another human being. Last but definately not least...Emma. My sweet Emma Grace. She shares a middle name with Emily's girl, Miller Grace who's with Jordyn in Heaven. Although she's not truly named after Miller Grace, they have what I believe is a heart bond. Two momma's who love each other, shared pregnancies, and a connection to Heaven. Emma to me is God's grace. I definately have not deserved any of my children, yet over and over again he's given it to me and this time he gave it to me in a beautiful little blue eyed girl package, who's smile can light up a room, who's the "official" chapel baby of our post as our Battalion Chaplain likes to call her (she was the first of a string of babies born over the last part of this year). Is our family complete? I don't know, that's not up to me...it's up to God. I don't think it is, but I can tell you that Emma has brought something to our family that I didn't even realize was missing, so she's definately a part of the completion of our family if that makes any sense at all.

I pray you all had a wonderful and blessed Christmas. That your focus wasn't on what "Santa" brought you, but what GOD gave us. That we can remember that 2000 years ago probably frightened young girl gave birth to a KING. The King of ALL Kings...Jesus Christ. That a man watched a child who was not truly his son, being born, yet accepted the responsibility of raising him into the MAN who would one day give his own soul Salvation. How blessed are we to know that because God humbled himself and created himself to be a tiny baby...we have the comfort of tomorrow. I do not have to worry about Jordyn, I know she's safe in Christ's arms. Emily does not have to worry about Miller Grace, because she too is safe in Jesus's arms. I picture him up there rocking them back and forth, back and forth. Kissing the backs of their heads singing to them the most beautiful hymns. I see Jordyn resting her little head on his chest simply breathing him in, as I used to breath her in. Oh how blessed we are, how blessed we are.

Jack,Jacob, & Emma Christmas Eve

Chad showing off one of his gifts

Jacob

Jackson

Emma trying to tear into her package








Whisker's in Emma's toy basket









Her favorite place last night
she was playing with the balloon string

Do you ever?

Do you ever just feel like you have so much to say, but don't have the words to say it? My heart at times screams so loudly, but when it comes time to type it out or say it out loud, I can't find the words. That's where I'm at right now. So often I just want to say or do this or that, but the words just can't form. My heart is so often full, but to express those emotions is simply beyond me.

I know most likely it's God keeping me quiet. Telling me that what I have to say and should say are minimal and that I just need to be silent, pray, and be there. That's absolutely not what is natural for me, yet I'm learning that so often words are just not necessary. Often times I just need to be quiet, listen, read, pray, and let God take care of the rest.

My sweet Emily has a gift with words. God's given her that gift and he's allowing her to express a great deal of her grief, joys, emotions, etc through writing. I once felt I had that gift too...but not so much anymore. It seems to come here and there, but it's just far more seldom. It's where I'm at and it's not a bad place to be, just well annoying for someone who likes to talk about everything and who has an opinion about nearly everything. Lately God has shut my mouth and made me sit on my fingers a lot. Those of you who REALLY know me, know just how huge that is. I still say a lot, but there's a lot more I don't say.

I'm coming to appreciate the gift of just being silent or at least not so talkative. Of course I worry that others may think I'm not listening, but I am. I'm trying really hard to listen to God first and then deciphering everyone else after that. Tonight as I go to bed, I'm praising God for making me just listen. I've ignored him and talked over him on this subject for so long, it's about time I started listening to my father.

How Addicted to Blogging Are You?

I got this from Linda over at : MacDonald Clan


82%How Addicted to Blogging Are You?

The post before this was actually good so if you haven't go read it! :)

How God Works

God is awesome. Oh most if not all of us who are believers have said it once if not numerous times in our walk with him...yet when we see him doing things in our lives or others it's just well AWESOME, AMAZING, Breath-taking. Currently Emily is seeing him doing all sorts of things and although she's not blogged about it (or at least not yet) I won't talk about that, because it's not mine to share...either way just know God's moving people in Kentucky!

Now where's my awesome moments with God coming from then? Well Emily a few hours ago she asked me to pray for her as she went to do something. So I did and well during that prayer which he sooo took care of, as it was one of those immediate prayers, he convicted my butt so hard and so fast my head spun! The thing is...when you know you're doing something you're not supposed to and you even say those words outloud...but say or do it anyways, you KNOW God's going to get you. I just didn't expect him to get me so quickly! But...he did! I smile and rejoice in that though. The simple fact is that he loves me enough to correct me quickly and almost immediately in this case for my disobedience. To know that he loves me so much that he's ready to grab me up and discipline me. Just as I do my children, he does me...his child!

What an awesome God he is!

I truly appreciate his love through disciple. I think it's one of the ways he shows it that I can really appreciate the easiest as a mother. I often feel like I spend some days doing nothing but this, and I have no doubt God feels this way and definately on me.

I have praises going through my head as I type this. Thanking him for loving me so much. For not letting me get away with things. For shaking me when I need a good shaking, for giving my heart the what for, for shutting my mouth when it needs shut, stilling my fingers when they need stilled. Now the key is to listen to him when he tells me not to do or say things. That's where my free will really fights him. We're sinners by nature and well I admit it...there are times I want to sin. I want to gossip, say ugly things about someone, listen to gossip, etc. I know those are the biggest fights I have. So I ask that you pray for me on those. They're in my top five biggest strong holds and I don't want them to be a strong hold for me.

Giving these over to God and not taking them back....that's big. We all know it is. When it's a sin we partially don't want to give up. I think that's when you know it's really bad for you! Tonight when I go to bed/sleep I know what I'll be praying about.

I pray that you can recognize your strongholds, that you can give them to God, and not take them back! That's my prayer for you.

Awesome Original Christmas Cards

A friend of mine is VERY creative and this year instead of having a prefabricated Christmas card, we have a totally original one!

Her website is:

www.tiffanyallemand.com

Wait for her site to completely load up and click on "cards" ours is an example and my sweet friend Emily's is the other example. My best friend Tami has had Tiffany make her one and I know of a few other friends who are having Tiffany make them one too! She does an awesome job and will do everything she can until you're 100% happy with how it turns out!

She's also making one of my Christmas gifts (yes I know about it!!) I'm getting a Wall Collage. My mom and mil are also getting one! So if you're looking for a good and original Christmas gift idea...Tiffany has them!

Ok this mini advertisement is over! ROFL!!