Tuesday, December 11, 2007

Do you ever?

Do you ever just feel like you have so much to say, but don't have the words to say it? My heart at times screams so loudly, but when it comes time to type it out or say it out loud, I can't find the words. That's where I'm at right now. So often I just want to say or do this or that, but the words just can't form. My heart is so often full, but to express those emotions is simply beyond me.

I know most likely it's God keeping me quiet. Telling me that what I have to say and should say are minimal and that I just need to be silent, pray, and be there. That's absolutely not what is natural for me, yet I'm learning that so often words are just not necessary. Often times I just need to be quiet, listen, read, pray, and let God take care of the rest.

My sweet Emily has a gift with words. God's given her that gift and he's allowing her to express a great deal of her grief, joys, emotions, etc through writing. I once felt I had that gift too...but not so much anymore. It seems to come here and there, but it's just far more seldom. It's where I'm at and it's not a bad place to be, just well annoying for someone who likes to talk about everything and who has an opinion about nearly everything. Lately God has shut my mouth and made me sit on my fingers a lot. Those of you who REALLY know me, know just how huge that is. I still say a lot, but there's a lot more I don't say.

I'm coming to appreciate the gift of just being silent or at least not so talkative. Of course I worry that others may think I'm not listening, but I am. I'm trying really hard to listen to God first and then deciphering everyone else after that. Tonight as I go to bed, I'm praising God for making me just listen. I've ignored him and talked over him on this subject for so long, it's about time I started listening to my father.