Sunday, December 30, 2007

Sunday night/Monday Morning

I've struggled with insomnia for 7 1/2 yrs and it's not fun. After I have a baby it "disappears" for a short time, just long enough to get my hopes up that it's finally gone, but before I know it my mind is back to racing and I'm wide awake until the wee hours of the mornings. With insomnia over the years I've found myself on here more than anywhere. There are often times I've thrown a load of laundry in the washer or waiting for clothes to finish up in the washers, but most often than's my quiet time after the kids are asleep and Chad. I normally spend time in prayer while sitting here in front of this screen as well.

Tonight loneliness has taken over me. I just feel very disconnected right now. I'm totally dwelling on the upcoming deployment and wonder if my family will ever step up and really be there for me during a deployment. Sadly I doubt they ever will, this will be our 5th deployment, 3rd to Iraq what would make them step up NOW? I just wish they would. I don't feel sorry for myself when it comes to deployments. The majority of my friends are, have, or will be going through one themselves so how's feeling pity for myself going to make things better or easier? It's not. It doesn't mean though that I don't want love and support. See my mind knows what we're about to face, my heart is having a harder time coming to grips with it though. Sometimes I just want to say "hasn't our family been through enough?" We miss every single day with Jordyn. Not a single day goes by that I don't think of her. I look at Emma and wonder what it'd be like for her to have her big sister. I wonder the same thing for my boys. It's a question that I'll never see answered this side of Heaven. I accept it, doesn't mean I don't still wonder though.

I am honestly feeling I guess you could call it deployment exhaustion, and it's not even started. It's just know he's going AGAIN and then I meet people who's NEVER been deployed and that is absolutely frustrating. I know it comes down to MOS's (Army lingo...the type of job they have), some of it's simply luck of coming and going from a unit and just missing deployments over and over again. Three deployments to Iraq in 5 years is just so much. I miss my husband and although I GET how blessed we are with all the technology we have that no other war has had...we have internet/email/im's/webcams. We have phone services, cell phones, satelite phones. The reality is, there's still nothing like when he's home.

I want to be the best mom to my kids always, but especially during deployments. Last time I was not so much. This time I want to be better. I know that if I give this request over to Christ he'll give me everything I need to get through it. I just have to remember not to take it BACK from Christ when he does take the burden.

I'm starting to finally get tired, hopefully this made some sense. I'll write more tomorrow all of a sudden exhaustion has taken over and I can barely keep my eyes open.

God Bless


Tiffany said...

My heart just sinks thinking of you having to endure another deployment. I know you step up to the plate time and again and complain so's just so much. You are right. I can't even imagine what it must be like. God bless you and God bless your husband and your children. I hope we all do not foget the sacrifices that are being made over and over again.

Louie said...

Hi Stranger...I feel so disconnected since I've started school! Ugh

I finally have some time to browse around again and it appears that much has been going on with you. :(

I began reading this latest post and was immediately saddened to hear that Chad is being deployed.

I can relate a little to your loneliness with my brother gone, it's been a rough holiday for us. We've been having other issues with our oldest daughter that I cannot write about at my blog due to family trolls...needless to say, it will soon be a new year. I can only hope for all of us that things will get easier, better, and that time will go by quickly.

for now, I'm going to go back and read more of your posts and catch up a bit.

You know where I am if you need to chat. Email me anytime and I will do my best to respond. I miss talking to you! You have been my stronghold in this otherwise messed up thing called life. boys have grown so much since I last saw them and Emma is so cute!!!!! Take care....

Emily said...


It makes me smile... how faithful God is. When you started writing you could not sleep and yet, the moment you put your concerns out there and at His feet, you were filled with peace enough to sleep. If that's not a Father drawing you into His arms to rest, I don't know what is. :)

I love you. I thank God for all you and your family do for mine each and every day, but especially when you are separated. My girls got an AMAZING box from dear Miss Quisty yesterday and I was reminded once again how special you are. Thank you for that.

I'm praying you are able to press through all the hurts and worries and just cherish each day for what it is. We don't deserve this life - the good or the bad - and you know as well as I do that there is always glory at stake when pain is allowed. I'll keep praying you through if you return the favor. Deal?

Love you. And am so inspired by you.