Tuesday, February 02, 2010

Lets get real

I know I just posted, but I'm so overwhelmed right now this is the only thing I can do...write. Whether I will post this or not, I've not decided. I just finished reading Emily's lastest blog entry and oh how it grabbed my heart. Emily knows just how every life is a miracle, her sweet Miller Grace was part of this world outside of her womb for 5 precious days. It got me to thinking more of this baby growing inside of my womb. I've not talked much about this pregnancy, mostly because it seems every where I turn there's another broken hearted mother, mourning her child. I've been there. I've been that grieving mother and honestly don't want to the cause of another's hurt and pain...because of that though I've not openly celebrated this precious baby, this absolute miracle that's growing inside of me. It's not my job to feel the guilt of what GOD's allowed for others. It's my job to celebrate the miracle that GOD has allowed me to experience once again. I don't understand why GOD's allowed me to experience this miracle not once, not twice, but 5 times! As I'm typing, the baby is kicking...a good reminder of the fact that I DO have a miracle inside of me.

While being open about this miracle, I have a confession. I stopped recently reading a very popular blog. I'd been thinking about it for months, but a few weeks ago it became clear that I could not in good conscience continue to read her, while I found myself annoyed, aggrevated, and even angry with her, as I read her words that to me twist GOD's, yet proclaim to know him. I should state that I do believe she believes and loves him, but our beliefs in GOD and the word and what we're to accept are different, some are minor but others are HUGE. Then tonight I clicked on her link from another blog (I'm nosey...I admit it, it's the ONLY reason I went, I was being nosey). I read her and was ashamed at the emotions of anger and frustration I had towards this woman, this mother. I am not proud of those emotions and am asking for prayer. I'm not perfect. I'm failable, as we all are. I fall all the time, flat on my face. I've been called ugly names and I've called people ugly names. I'm sitting here confessing these things, not because I need YOUR forgiveness, only Christ can give me that...no man, no woman can give any of us forgiveness. BUT I think if I'm being honest, if I'm being real...I need to share my flaws as well as my joys and enjoyment and loves and desires, etc, etc, etc.

So with all of this...with sharing my joy and my shame I'm real. My name is Christy. I'm a Child of Jesus. I'm the wife to Chad. The mother of Jordyn (resting with Jesus), Jacob, Jackson, Emma, and little Miss/Mr No Name...and I'm fallen, I'm not perfect, I hurt, I feel joy, I'm judged and judgemental. But most of all I'm FORGIVEN.


Kathryn said...

Thank you for being honest. Feel better!

bp said...

Thank you for your honesty. That's something we don't see often enough I think. We hide it too much, so thank you.

Emily said...

And you're loved. :)

Missie said...

You should be applauded for your honesty. As bp wrote, we don't see that often anymore. None of us are perfect humans. You know that you don't have to be perfect. It's okay. It's okay to feel those feeling you get when reading that other blog. I get some of those feeling too. Have a good night!

Linda said...

We are imperfect...so it is. And God knows this flaw in us. And to admit that we make mistakes is HARD...and to admit that we are not what God wants us to be...even HARDER. But to put it out there for the world to see? That's tough. Your honesty is refreshing.
(and I hope that it's not my blog...though I am guessing it isn't based on the term "very popular blog"....because mine isn't)

Amanda said...

Oh Christy. I know. I know. I know. You would not believe the backlash I have taken for being associated with her now. Its SUCKED. People make all these assumptions of me that are hurtful and wrong. And I sometimes feel the same way they do about stuff!!

Anyway... I just feel like I know exactly what you are thinking and I am right there with you and MAN am I on my knees today begging for a little guidance and perspective.

Blessings to you-

Bri said...

Wow, all I have to say is wow.