Monday, February 02, 2009

Overwhelmed

So often life throws us curve balls. God allows them to happen, although I do not beleive that it's his desire for us, but we live in a sinful world, we have free will, ultimately bad things happen, even (or especially?) to Good people. I am NOT saying I'm a good person, although I try to be. I want to have a heart like Jesus, but it's so far from his. I judge, I make snide remarks, I'm full of sin all over the place. Yet I'm forgiven.

Knowing the truth, knowing the Lord has me and loves me...I shouldn't feel like this, but here I am. I hurt my back today carrying a tote that obviously was too heavy for me to lift, although I didn't lift it much and used my legs, I still managed to hurt my back. It has been sore since I did it, but it's now really HURTING. I'm guessing I sprained or pulled a muscle. I'm hoping some tylenol and the heating pad will help, when I go to bed here in a few.

Then there's Chad coming home. Ok we're talking just a short amount of days now. I'm ready. I'm excited, anxious to get everything done that I want to get done (I know he won't care, but I do), and I'm even a little nervous! I mean think about it, it's been 8 1/2 months since I've had my man here with me and well I think all of us as adults can get to what I'm talking about! It's been a while! LOL Part of me is afraid he's going to jump on me! ROFL Part of me is afraid that I'm going to go back to my sinful nature and tell him "not right now" or something equally wrong. I am working VERY hard to be a Godly wife, I have a LONG way to go, trust me on this, a very long ways. The desire is STRONG though. I want nothing but to please my Lord and my husband. So pray for me ok. Pray for Chad too! Who knows maybe I'll be the one attacking him! LOL

Then on a far more serious note...Jordyn. I wrote a little meme on my facebook tonight and it was on your "First born" (I mentioned this in my Not Me Monday). Anyways....just focusing straight on her made me feel so overwhelmed in how much I miss her. Plus the last week or so I've met back up (via Facebook) with friends from Walter Reed. Oh how I miss her. I long to feel her in my arms. It's funny the things I miss the most, are the absolute simplest of things. The feeling of her warm breath against my neck as I rocked her and the feeling of her hands playing in my hair during the rocking. She also gave the best and tightest little hugs around my neck. Oh I loved those hugs, they were always the best parts of my days! I miss her so much right now. I am struggling not to cry. How do we have a child in our arms for 2 yrs 1 month 8 days and then not? How are we supposed to say goodbye to them? I know the answers, we just do, knowing the Lord's controlling it. Knowing he'll find a way to bring Glory to all of it and he has, he really has and I've seen it time after time after time. Yet I still miss her, long to feel her in my arms, long to kiss that beautiful little face. There will always be the "what might have been".

I'm about to head to bed, but know when I'm needing prayers and feeling at my weakest emotionally, and Satan is trying to get ahold of me, he's not go me....but he wants me.

Thank you for the prayers.




13 comments:

Amy said...

Thinking of you girl! When does he get home?

Emily said...

Gracious Heavenly Father,

I just pray that you would wrap Christy in YOUR mighty arms tonight, that you she would feel YOUR breath on her cheeks as she sleeps. Lord, let her find rest in you. Oh God, we do not understand your ways. We cannot fathom the purposes behind your actions. As mothers, our hearts break under the weight of grief when our babies leave our arms for a lifetime. Lord, we trust You and we love You and we long to serve you and to please You. But you, Jesus, FEEL our pain, just as you felt the pain of those around you. And because of who you were and who you are and who you'll always be, you couldn't help but heal them. Heal Christy tonight, merciful Lord. Lay your mighty hands on her and raise her up. Let her rise up and see the joy that you have set before her. Give her the grace and strength she needs to embrace it tightly and lift her face to you as she thanks you for it. Oh Lord, I praise you for my precious sister and I ask you to be her all in all. She longs to praise you. Lead her and guide her for your glory.

In Jesus' name,

Amen.

CntryMomma said...

You're always in my prayers. ;o)

LORI

EmilytheCreative said...

I prayed for you.

Don't let Satan steal your joy. He sees that you are joyful about your husband coming home and having that special time with Chad and Satan never wants Christians to be joyful.

I hope your back feels better soon and you are able to get done what you want to before Chad comes home.

As far as the "intimate" worries go.. pray for the desire. Pray for the time to be able to do those things with your husband. Even in those areas God cares and is glorified. So pray about that too.

Take care.

Traci said...

Oh shoot. I think I tagged you for that meme. I so was not thinking! I'm so sorry. It makes me cry thinking about sending you back to that place in your mind. I'm really sorry.

ReadyAim said...

Hugs and prayers Christy. It sounds like there is a reverse period of stress surrounding a visit from Chad. I'm remember how you were feeling in the weeks before he left and it sounds like that type of anxiety, just for the opposite reason. I am sorry and I pray your heart will be settled.

I am sorry you are feeling so overwhelmed in how you miss Jordyn. I know that you miss her every day and there is really nothing to say to make you feel better. Just know you are being prayed for.

For your back, try alternating with heat and ice. An anti-inflamatory might help too.

You're going to want to have your back feeling 100% by the time Chad gets home. : X

Lisa

LYN said...

it's beautiful how your freinds can write such beautiful words of prayer..I can't..but i will say that it must be so hard losing a child..I bet you do miss her so...I am so happy chad will be home soon..and that will all take care of itself as you know!! ;-)

Beth in NC said...

Hi Christy, After reading your last two posts, I decided to snoop on your page and find out what happened to your little Jordyn.

Christy, I am so sorry. I've had a good cry this morning and I will be praying for you and the times you really miss your daughter.

God bless you and your family. I pray that this will be a sweet day for you and that your back will feel much better. Ibuprofen will help with any inflammation.

Love!
Beth

Amanda said...

My Parker is just over 2... when I think about losing him now, it is inconceivable. I CANNOT imagine what you deal with every day of your lives... I cannot fathom remaining strong and faithful and humble when you just want to curl up in a ball and hurt...

I will be praying for you Christy!! For this and for time with Chad... I TOTALLY 'get' what youare talking about... and I will be praying for you!!! Believe me.

And good luck with laundry. Ugh.

Many blessings!
Amanda

bp said...

Hi Christy. I read your post this morning and want you to know I'm praying for you, for your back, for your husband's homecoming to be all you dream it to be and more, and for your heart as you miss Jordyn.

Bri said...

Christy, I am lifting you in prayer. Your family has had a permanent place on my daily prayer list for quite sometime now. I will add in some extra prayers throughout the day. :)

I can't know what you know, or feel what you feel because I haven't had to return a child to Jesus. I can say that I love you sweet friend and I'm praying. :) I like to think you still miss Jordyn so much, because you love her so well. :)

Kelly Dawn said...

I am thinking at this point you are probly sound asleep waiting for your hero or you are wide awake because you CANNOT sleep for waiting for you hero...or option c you are STILL trying to get those clothes on the bed put away :)

I hope that your homecoming is ALL you and he both want it to be...

love you so much...

Give him a hug from me and enjoy his time at home for the time he is here :)

Kelly

Gillie said...

God bless you sweet girl!
((HUGS))
xx