God's Lessons

Almost daily I go to my best friends Blog and read lesson's God's not only teaching her in her walk through grief, but lesson's he's teaching me. Seven years later I just keep learning. I'm coming the ultimate conclusion that God will continue to teach me in this walk for the rest of my life until I am with him. I'm good with that too! ;)

Yesterday we were on our way home from a Chapel Retreat down at Edelweiss which is in Garmisch. We decided to go to Dachua Concentration Camp. We had the boys so we had talked to friends who actually went there the day before on what was appropriate to take the boys to there and what to avoid. Being a military family I think in ways our boys and now daughter will grow up with more than enough realities, realities of war for that matter...I know I can't shield them from every horror in this world, but I can shield them from as much as possible. Jacob already knows some of the horrors of WWII and what Hitler and the Nazi's (SS) did, he's too young to know all of it. I prayed over it and felt God leading us to go ahead and go. Jack was totally oblivious to what it all meant, as any 4 yr old SHOULD be (imo), Emma only cared about nursing and being held of course as any newborn is...Jacob had questions and Chad and I answered them for him as age appropriate as we could and just told him we couldn't answer some of his questions.

Walking through what is now a memorial to those who were murdered in the name of craziness (well in my opinion) and cruelty, it's hard to not be completely and utterly humbled and to see that through all my own heartache I have that in so many ways it doesn't even compare, yet how can we compare heartache? But....I think of how blessed I am. I was always with Jordyn. Never a moment in her life did she go without being surrounded in nothing but complete love. She never had a moment in her life of feeling abandoned by Chad or I or God. Never in her 2 yrs did she have to go farther than down the hall of our home to be in arms that loved her. Through the pain that she felt from the leukemia, there was always pain medication, rocking, lullabyes sung, arms to hold her, love to surround her in. Yet those at the concentration camps had little to none of that. I pray that they all clung to God's love and faithfulness. Those who do not know Christ, can not fathom how I can write that, but I believe with everything in me that God remained with them through it all and I believe it broke his heart without a doubt. Beyond the horrible torture, starvation, lack of warm clothing, hygiene, there was a lack of love and compassion. For many of them they had no idea if their families were alive, if they were going through the same torture as they were, if they were hurt, or dead. Can you imagine that? I can't. You see I can't imagine what it's like to not be surrounded by people who love me. I'm blessed and I get that. Yesterday I promise you there were so many more lesson's learned. Horrors of what those who were kept as "political prisoners" experienced I had a small glimpse of. I saw the size of the bunks that were made to "house" 200 people but ended up housing 2,000 instead. I walked on ground that made my feet ache after a couple hours, I saw the crematorium where so many of their lives ended. Why? It's beyond my understanding and I believe it's beyond what God's will was for their life, yet it still remains as a fact.

Dachau was the first concentration camp and the rest were created from it's example. 46,000 people died inside the walls and fences. Lives were changed, our world was changed. April 29, 1945 the Americans arrived and ended their torture. The emotions I felt as I looked at pictures of those who were being kept there as prisoners when the Americans came is beyond words for me. I cried a lot inside and out. We barely spoke through most of it. We were not able to see all of it because it was not for the boys to see. Although I walked through one of the crematoriums Chad kept the kids outside on a bench which ironically is now surrounded by beautiful gardens. To think that inside a brick building death happened, but on the outside now life is blooming.

On the Jewish Memorial was a scripture written in Hebrew. I believe the verse was Psalms 121:3. I looked it up tonight as I was commenting in Emily-Really Living blog. The whole verse though grabbed me:

A song of ascents.
Psa 121:1

I lift up my eyes to the hills—
where does my help come from?

Psa 121:2
My help comes from the Lord,
the Maker of heaven and earth.

Psa 121:3
He will not let your foot slip—
he who watches over you will not slumber;
Psa 121:4
indeed, he who watches over Israel
will neither slumber nor sleep.

Psa 121:5
The Lord watches over you—
the Lord is your shade at your right hand;
Psa 121:6
the sun will not harm you by day,
nor the moon by night.

Psa 121:7
The Lord will keep you from all harm—
he will watch over your life;
Psa 121:8
the Lord will watch over your coming and going
both now and forevermore.

Even when we can't see him...God's there holding us. God is constantly teaching me this lesson, yesterday it was more evident than ever.

One of the guard houses

These pictures were side by side..the one on the right is an Aerial view of the camp.

The Juroushouse

view of the bunk

one of the memorials this is to look like the prisoners...

Ashes of unknown prisoners.

Above is the bunks the prisoners had to sleep in...this just does not show how small they were.

the prisoners lockers, of course there was not nearly enough for all of them...

infamous barbed wire fence

this was where the 30 bunks used to stand...the original foundation is still there and the rocks fill in between the foundation they were 10 meters wide by 100 meters long.

Jewish Memorial

Catholic memorial

Hello

Hi well Emma is a month old as of this past Monday (Labor Day), I can't believe she's already a month old, time just goes by so quickly. I don't want time to stop (been there done that...hate it)...but to have it slow down and just let them stay small longer would be nice!


The boys are doing great. They're both in soccer and tonight Jacob had his first game. I haven't uploaded the pictures from that yet, but he had a great time! Last year he only got to play one position (defense) and he did not enjoy the season at all, this year Chad's coaching and he had Jacob in 4 different positions in just the one game! He had a great time! All the kids seemed! The parents were happy to see their kids having so much fun and the kids actually were working together. There were times they got grouped up, but it was far less than last year, and it's the same age group that Jacob played in last year...so there's definate improvement!

Jacob at Playmobil last Friday



Jack will have one more practice and then they will have 3 games and his season will be over with. But it's instructional and they're just learning the basics and really 6 weeks total is good for them! They have short attention spans and their skills, well they're still um...developing! LOL He likes it though and he gets to RUN which Momma likes because it tires him out!! Jack at Playmobil last Friday



Oh and it's COLD here! We got down to 37 degree's last night! Brrr is all I can say! They turned the heat on here on post, so our heat is at least on. It got turned on today so tonight we won't all freeze! Our bird was cold today, poor thing. I will say though, he was quiet...so him being cold had it's perks! LOL We're going down to Garmisch tomorrow, so it'll be even colder down there. A friend of mine was down there last weekend and said there's snow up in the Alps already. I am looking forward to it though. It's a retreat, but we'll have all but 1 hr for free time, so we plan to go walking around down town and just enjoying our time there!! Jacob will get to enjoy the Kids Day Out program. Jack will be in the CDC during our class, but otherwise we plan to have him with us, I see no reason to leave him in childcare if we're not in our session. Jacob's is different, they actually take them out and around and do things with them. Emma will stay with us the whole time of course.

Well, I need to run down to the laundry room and throw the last of our clothes into the dryer (nothing we're taking with us just some jeans, except for my tennis shoes). Last night I was asleep by a little after 10. I was up at around 8 this morning too and no nap for me either...of course I'm wide awake! I'll just have to sleep on the way to Garmisch tomorrow morning! LOL :)

Have a great weekend!

Jackson's 4th Birthday

Jack's birthday was yesterday (28th) and he had a great day! For the last oh 9 months he's told me he wanted a Batman cake...well Daddy being the creative/artist of the family free handed Batman on his cake! He did an awesome job IMHO!! We let Jack invite 4 friends and their families over! We did the party in the backyard and they had so much fun. They mostly all ran around and played. We did get him a Lighting McQueen (Cars) Pinata. His favorite gift wasn't from us! LOL My friend B got him a pirates dress up and he wore it all day today and went to sleep in the pants and will probably end up wearing it all day tomorrow too...just my guess. He even went to the CAC in it and to Jacob's soccer practice in it! LOL Oh to be 4! Sweet, sweet 4!

We grilled burgers and hotdogs, had 7 layer dip, my friend B brought her Taco Salad which everyone who tries it LOVES it!It was really such a nice and relaxed party! It'd be nice if we could do something that relaxed for Jacob, but since he's got a January birthday it can't be as relaxed...although we're debating on what to do still..thinking of doing it at Playmobil so all we'd have to do is bring a cake and decide how many kids he can invite and pay for the child he invites (Playmobil is insanely cheap). We'll cross that bridge when January rolls around! :)

Either way...Jack's 4 now, it seems like yesterday he was born. I don't know how these years fly by. I wish I could just slow time down a little. I don't wish away a day with my children. I want them to BE children. I want them to have a carefree childhood, I want them to know joy, true joy that only Jesus can give them, I want them to always feel safe and secure, and look back and say "I had a happy childhood". I think too many people can't say that, I want that desperately for my children.

I pray that this next year for Jackson is one of many joys, little sadness, lots of laughter, and growing closer to Jesus.

A few new pictures

I haven't been great about adding pictures here, so here's a few new(er) pictures! :) All is going really well. Emma just seems to fit perfectly into our family and truly it seems like she's always been here in so many ways. She's 3 weeks old now, and is growing. She's gained 6 oz from her birth weight, she'd lost weight of course after birth like all babies do, but since it was all in grams I can't tell you exactly how low she got, well I could but haven't went to that website and put in the numbers! :) She's grown 1/2 an inch as well...so currently she's at 8 lbs and 20 inches long. She's doing great nursing and still a good little sleeper, who's favorite place to snooze is on Mommy especially and Daddy is satisfactory if he is the option for the moment (which currently he is!). The boys are doing great! We've been to the park everyday this week. It's rained almost everyday this week, so the sand is nice and wet and I've been a spraying/pretreating fool when they come in...but clothes wash and little boys wash, most importantly they're happy, worn out, and sleeping great at night themselves! Let me tell you...there's nothing like smiling, happy, worn out kids. They can get as dirty as they want...it all washes away sand goes down the drain, dirty comes off the clothes...joy lasts a lifetime! They'll remember these days of being able to simply be a kid, get dirty, being allowed to be free and not worry about things. They don't need to worry about staying clean or worry about things that their little minds don't need to worry about. Seeing them digging a huge hole in the sand (I'm waiting on my chinese btw! LOL...seriously you should see this hole they've been working on all week!), watching them run around chasing each other, and most of all hearing their laughter. These are the moments I'll treasure. I do treasure them. Plus let me tell you they sleep so good after a few hours outside! Running around and burning off all that built up energy! Does a little body good! There when we first brought Emma home we didn't go outside and Jack was waking up every night, then we got back into our park routine and he's back to sleeping all night long!! Ok...here's the pictures! :)

Jack at the park..yup I'm a mom that allows my SON to play with a GUN! Gasp! :)

The boys on the merry-go-roundMiss Emma snoozing contently on DaddyDaddy and Emma sleeping..Jacob and Jack both love being big brothers...Emma doing one of her favorite activities...sleeping! :)

Baby Blue

With that title I have the George Strait song stuck in my head now, there's worse songs that's for sure!! Well with that title I can say I've had a little of the baby blues. Nothing too bad, but they seem to creep up here and there about everyday at some point. Just a little sadness, it normally leaves after a while. It's not PPD, just that normal little blue feeling we sometimes get after having a baby.

Today Emma and I woke up about 8:30. Chad was home from PT when the boys got up, so they let me sleep in a little. Emma sleeps well at night, but she still wakes up a couple times to nurse so it is nice to get extra sleep when I can! While Chad was home for lunch a friend of mine called, she's also the PWOC President and asked if she could bring us dinner. She had promised to bring me a cake that I love that another friend who PCS'd this summer, it's her recipe...anyways Juli's bringing not just the cake but dinner as well. Lasagna, Salad, Garlic Bread, and Death By Chocolate Cake! YUM!!! Of course that got me in a cleaning mood. I actually jumped in the shower since Chad was home, then when I got out cleaned the bathroom, swept the hall, made the boys start picking up the playroom. Everything is picked up off the floor, but nothing is where it's supposed to be, so now they are reorganizing everything correctly. I gave them one hour to clean and then I was going to start throwing things away, they managed to get it cleaned in the hour that I gave them. They have another hour for the organizing. So we'll see what happens!

I have clothes that need washed, but Chad will have to carry the laundry basket down this evening and I have clothes that need to be put away of the boys. Jacob can put his own away. I need to redo their closet so that Jack's clothes are on the bottom shelves and Jacob's are on the higher ones and they can both put their own clothes away. Maybe we'll do that this weekend.

Jack's 4th birthday is this coming Tuesday. I can't believe he's going to be 4. In so many ways he was just born! When we moved over here to Germany it was just a little over a month before his 2nd birthday. Time has gone by so quickly. Today him and I sat down and worked on him writing his letters, he did really well. We also worked on some basic phonics and he did well with that too. So although we haven't started back to school, I can't deny him when he wants to work on things!! I will pull out his preschool curc. in September and just do this simple work up until then.

Well Emma's waking up and will want to nurse soon.

Good Day

Today was a good day. We woke up and we went to Vilseck. I hadn't been there before, they have a PX that's bigger than ours, Graf's building a new one that will be done next month, well it's finished but now their filling the shelves (oh and they built a new commissary too) the PX will be the biggest in Europe or the World, I can't remember what the paper said and Chad threw it out! Either way it's going to be huge and I can't WAIT for it to be done! It's an hour and a half drive, but we'll be making the drive periodically and the fact that it'll be done close to Christmas WAHOO!!!! I'm thinking I'll get a babysitter for the boys and for my friends son and her, Chad, and I will go up there and do some Christmas shopping if she wants to go with us!

We did have a good time in Vilseck though. Chad took the long way there, not on purpose, but considering that the times he's been there was either going out to the field or for class and he had other people with him that had been there before to help him he did good. I was a little annoyed with him thinking we were lost, but once he showed me he wasn't I was good! ;)

So...we got there, did our shopping, grabbed some lunch. I got a really nice compliment! A lady told me what nicely behaved my boys were! They were too, I give them credit they were being very good. But to hear a perfect stranger compliment you on that! Wahoo!

Emma was so good today too! She slept the whole way there, oh and we were stuck in a traffic jam on the way there in Erlangen (Linda knows where this is)...it wasn't a complete stand still just really, really slow...ultimately a car was broken down, the polize (police) were there, and they seemed to be waiting for a tow truck or someone. Once we were past them it was good traveling, and that was WITH construction too! She didn't wake up until after we were done shopping and got to the food court, where I nursed her and she was a happy, sleepy baby again! We went to the furniture store on post to see what they had there. We found our future matress!! A Sealy pillow top. The one they had on display was a King size and of course Chad and I were drooling over the size of it along with the comfort, but of course our bed is a queen. The price is up there. I'm going to talk to my mom and see how much their mattress cost them because I'm thinking it's about the same price and if we can get the mattress my parents have well that'd be even better. They have a select comfort (each of them has a controller for their side of the bed to adjust the firmness of their side of the mattress). I don't know if we can get it over here or not, but I'm going to go and look...one way or another in the next few months we're going to have a new mattress!

So anyways...our day there at Vilseck ended with us stopping at the pond there on post, letting the boys play...Chad and them found lots of frogs and there was a park there too they played at, while I nursed Emma. Then when we left there we drove through housing, feeling a little envious that most people there live in two story homes (granted their either duplexes or quadplexes...but they still looked nice sized from the outside, everyone has their own backyard and car port! But that's ok...because I think the area of Germany we live in is more beautiful! Anyways we did find they also have a large lake there on post, and you can take out canoe's which you can rent there. They also have a nice park there at the lake...so we're going to go back sometime and Chad and the boys can go out on the canoe!

The drive home was really good. It did start raining, pouring during one area, but the drive over all was just really nice. The kids all slept at one point, Jacob was up for most the drive but was really good. Next time I told him to bring something for him to do or a book to read...something! Because he was of course bored! We got home and popped a pizza in the oven (I had done some thinking before hand and had Chad pick up a frozen pizza yesterday for tonight). We had dinner, the boys played for a while, and then off to dreamland for them! :)

It was really a good day. I got to watch My Chiefs play too, even if they did lose which I'm not particularly happy about..but it's just preseason. Watched the next to last Grey's Anatomy for the season, we'll have to record next weeks because we're going to start going to the Hospitality House, we'll go there at least until Soccer Season starts and hopefully even after it starts we can still manage to get there on Friday nights, which is also game nights.

Ok well I guess I'm done for tonight! :) It was really nice to have a good day!

Better

Bare with any mistakes that may show up, I have a little almost 2 week old laying on my chest because well it's the only place she seems to want to be today, which is ok, just makes for a tired momma and a sore back, but I'm grateful I bring her peace.

Well I told Chad my fears, and it truly lifted so much burden off of my soul. Why I think that I must hold onto everything, why I feel I have to keep it in. Looking at her beautiful face, reminding myself that her life is truly NOT in my hands and how I foolishly forget that is rediculous. The thing that set me into the downslide, that segment, that reminder of Jordyn and the way our life was 8 yrs ago, how could I forget that I don't get to control this....how long I'm here or my children walk this earth is simply not up to me. Even when we've learned life's hardest lesson sometimes we still need that reminder. It stinks, yet we still need it at times. I have a feeling I will continue to need reminding from time to time. I just have to get back to the reality of what is true. This is all in God's hands.

Can't Shake It

I wish I could say today's a better day. I thought when I woke up for the first time with Emma that it was going to be a better day. I thought that last night's little wake up call would put me in a different mood.
Ok so about last night. It was I think about 3 am when I hear yelling coming from outside, so I go to the window and I see a guy on his knee's, one MP handcuffing him, and another pointing his gun at him. Interesting to say the least. During that time I didn't see the 3rd MP, she as a ways back. It's a small post, so I definately know the female MP there's not a ton of female MP's on this post and when we had an issue with some kids a while back she was the one to take my statement. After that everything seemed to go off without incident. Chad stayed up a little longer and by being nosey (lol...it's not just me!) discovered the guy was breaking into cars. The MP's I guess called to verify that all the cars in our parking lot were supposed to be there.

So I just really did expect to wake up in a better mood, but it didn't happen. I'm not mad at anyone, although Chad seems to think I am mad at him. I'm just feeling really blah. I'm not tired although I could so go back to bed and it's almost 1 pm. I didn't get up until 10:45 the way it is. Emma was sleeping beside me...we wake up for her to nurse, Chad changes her diapers, and we sleep. Chad gets up with the boys. He doesn't go back to work until next Tuesday (it's a 4 day here).

I want to be smiling and filled with joy, but fears got a grip on my heart today and it took until today for me to see it for what it is. I'm scared. Scared that I won't get to keep Emma any longer than I got to keep Jordyn. You have no idea the lump in my throat as I type those words. I'm scared to death. I love this little girl with everything in me and the thought of losing her, of her being sick, anything less than 80 years with her is not ok for my heart. I know I need to give it to GOD. I know that worrying about something I have no control over is rediculous and will not change anything. My brain knows this. Now will someone explain it to my heart?

I need to turn off the tv, turn the lights off, and drop to my knee's and start praying and telling God outloud my fears. Poor Chad doesn't know what to do with me. He thinks he's done something. The boys are doing everything they can to make me smile and just make me happy. Jacob hugs me literally at least 20 times a day.

I don't believe at all this is PPD, I just think it's a little baby blues but most of all fear and that darn human interest story which I've now seen 3 or 4 times does NOT help and I know you'd think I would just turn the channel, but I can't. I also can't explain to you why I can't. Kelly and Emily are probably the two who read here who can possibly get that, then again they may think I've lost it as well. I just can't bring myself to turn the channel when I know I get to see Walter Reed again, when I know I can see the clinic. It's crazy I know.

Tomorrow we're going to another post about 1 1/2 to 2 hrs away. The soldiers here go there to do training, but we're going to go there to their PX because it's a lot bigger and the one PX that's an hour from here that is about the same size has nothing left pretty well, it's a ghost town. Linda you wouldn't believe how empty it is now. It's rather sad to be honest and I can't bare to go up there hardly. I haven't been there in months. Anyways, we're going to find Emma some clothes, maybe I can find me something, get the boys some, and just look around as well. I haven't been there before so it'll be a new area for me. I'm hoping it cheers me up and distracts my brain a little tomorrow.

A Twinge of Sadness

Those who've been in the military and stationed outside of the US knows what AFN is, what their human interest stories are and how often they're shown. Well today I saw a new one and it knocked me to the floor. Honestly normally they have little effect on me. Today's didn't have a little effect, it was huge. It was a story I knew all too well, it wasn't ours, but it has far too many similarties.

A family here who was stationed here in Germany's 5 yr old daughter was dx with ALL leukemia (Jordyn had the lesser common, but more deadly AML). They show Dad sitting in a chair with tears streaming down his face as he recalls the drs at Landstuhl telling them their little girl has leukemia. Then they cut over to where she's being treated now....Walter Reed. The tears were falling down my face before I even had a thought go through my mind as I looked at the familiar and almost comfortable setting of the Ped. Hem/Onc clinic. For many you will not understand that, but for over a year that was our 2nd home. It's where we held onto so much hope at, where we had so much love given to us, but most of all to our Jordyn. You see half of her life was pretty well spent in the halls of the 5th floor of Walter Reed. We spent many days running to stay up with her as she giggled her way through, hooked up to chemo and all. Nothing stopped her.

My heart is just heavy now, and it's been oh 5 hrs since that darn thing was on. I keep looking at Emma and praying.I want her to have health, a long life, and true joy (which will only be found through Christ). I want that for my boys as well. I know God's got us, each and every one of us...I guess I just need that reminder a little more some days.

She's Here!!

Our sweet, precious Emma Grace arrived August 3! She weighed 7 lbs 13 oz! She's perfect and we're all in love with her! The boys are just in love with her. Jack was meant to be a big brother! He is constantly kissing her, touching her, looking at her, etc. Jacob too! He loves to just look at her and give her sweet light kisses! We're truly blessed to have this little girl in our lives!

Emma and I came home yesterday (August 8). German hospitals like to keep you longer than American ones and of course only CNN in English, no internet. Thank goodness we have laptops and dvd's. I read 2 books, 6 magazines, watched I think 8 movies, played solataire, and just looked and loved on Emma! The boys came up everyday but Tuesday. They didn't know Emma and I were coming home on Wednesday so I was able to surprise them when we picked them up from VBS. Jack wasn't at all interested to see me, instead his greeting was "where's my sister"? and when he found out she was in the car with Daddy he was off to the car to see her! Jacob was happy to see me, hugged and kissed me and walked with me to the car and then got in to be close to Emma! :) We are so blessed and truly thankful for Emma. She's a blessing to our family and truly an answer to our prayers!