Saturday, November 23, 2013

Home and Sickness

I am not even sure the last time I blogged, but without a doubt it's been a while and so much has happened. We moved!!!!! It was a close move, about 10 miles into town and we're so happy to be here and are starting to get settled and unpacked. We had initially planned to buy the house we were living in, but it became clear that it was not the home for us. It was an older house, and although there was an addition (large kitchen and huge master bedroom) the older part of the house just had so many issue's that had to be fixed and it would have just cost us too much. The owners wanted to sell, so we were able to find a really nice rental in town, the rent is cheaper, the house is newer, is updated as far as windows, has solid doors, insulation is well THERE, it's a bit smaller, but just fits our family so much better! We truly love it and are so happy to be here. It's closer to town and post, so we're saving fuel, saving on utilities. I am so thankful that I decided to have us look at this house. It was listed as a 3 bedroom, but thankfully it's actually a 4! Has a fully finished basement (which is where the 4th bedroom/Jacobs' is!) so we have a beautiful family room that is absolutely huge and will allow our family to hang out there together, which will be something new, because over the years I've not hung out in the family room for various reasons. In Germany, it was just such a mess all the time, it was really a storage room so in the winter it was so cold although we had a heater, I just did not enjoy being down there. Chad didn't have the kids keep it clean, so it was a HUGE stress factor to me. In our last house, it was in the unfinished basement, which was sticky, hot, cold, smelled was a true unfinished basement (although the owners had started to finish it, they did NOT get far). This one is truly finished and well it's pretty, comfortable, we have an area for the couch's, tv, as well as our other table is down there so the kids can do their school work, we can do puzzles, play board games, etc there's plenty of room for the kids toy shelf and toy box, our beautiful antique organ is down there. The owners were definitely in the midst of finishing up details (trim) but those are details and they do not take away the functionality of the room.
Jacob's room was probably made initially to be a storage room, but they built a closet in it, so we laid a rug down in there that we had, moved the wall locker they had in there, into the hall that leads back to the laundry area and bathroom. There's a shower and toilet (unfortunately no sink) which is nice for Jacob and for when any of us are down there. No door, but we have a curtain up for privacy, then the laundry area, which is nice and bright, which is a big change from the other house we just moved from.
On our moving day, we woke up to Olivia having diarrhea and vomiting and just feeling miserable. So I loaded my van up and her and I came into the new house. I did as much packing as I possibly could in our 2 days notice that we had this house, so off to the new house where I met my parents and aunt and showed them our new house and then I did my best to keep Olivia comfortable. Olivia was sick for about 10 days. First it was the stomach bug, then proceeded to get mouth ulcers, which Jacob also ended up with, and then I ended up with. I was able to get the kids some magic mouthwash and that numbed their mouth and just helped them feel better. I was told they were from a virus. Thankfully they were pretty well healed up by the time I came down with it. Noah had a day of a stomach bug, and Emma had 1 evening of a stomach bug, both of them also said 1 day they had a sore throat, but thankfully no one else ended up with the virus that gave the horrible mouth ulcers. I have to say that going 5 days without eating is not enjoyable. I had a drs apt on Tuesday and was given my own magic mouthwash, some cough syrup for my horrible cough. After a couple more days I was finally able to eat, and my mouth started to feel better.
I can not tell you how much I've seen the Lord watching over us. God has blessed me with helpful older boys who even when they don't always feel 100%, when mom feels like death, they step up and help with the other little ones and do what needs to be done.
Over those 2 weeks of us being sick, I didn't get a lot unpacked, so we're now working hard to get this house in order and make it feel like HOME. We are going to be putting up our Christmas decorations up this week. Not rushing Thanksgiving by, just love Christmas as well and enjoy having everything put up as soon as possible, especially since Thanksgiving's a week later this year than most years. Once I have the house put together and decorated, I'll take pictures and share our lovely home.

Sunday, October 20, 2013


I just returned from a weekend away. I was a whopping 11 miles from home, yet felt 100 miles away in so many aspects. I don't like leaving my children and family in general. This is my place, my heart. Oh but the Lord knows so much better than me. He reminded me how much I needed this retreat, how much I needed a break. He reminded me just how much I need Him and only Him. Am I willing to leave everything and follow Him? Yes, I am. Do I believe he'd ever call me to just abandon my children, not at all. He just wants to know that I would. To those who don't believe, that may seem crazy and extremely confusing, but for a believer we have to be all in. We don't and can not be half way in, with our walk with the Lord. Do you believe or not? Do you fully trust Him or not? We are all called Christ's bride. Do we leave the old and step into the new? We can renew our vows to Him every single day. We drop the sins away, and let his love take us.
I needed this weekend. I needed to be surrounded by my sisters in Christ. I needed to soak in the Lord, in prayer, in worship, in His complete and astounding AWESOMENESS!
I am so thankful, that even if I feel far away from God, I know that HE is not far from me. He loves me, beyond all measures that I could ever imagine!
I'm refreshed and renewed.

Now off to be mom and wife and start cleaning up the house from a weekend of Momma being gone! ;)

Thursday, October 10, 2013

Punch in the stomach moments

Tonight, I was browsing on facebook and came across a mom whose son went through chemo with Jordyn and had his bone marrow transplant (BMT) with Jordyn. I'm nosey by nature, no reason to lie, I am. I click on his facebook page and felt the punch into my stomach as I see he's married. The tears began to flow and grief took over. The reality of what never will be when it comes to Jordyn was in my face. Now I should say 2 girls that were in treatment with Jordyn have both gotten married and one is actually expecting her first baby, which is such a miracle in and of itself (relapsed I believe twice after her initial diagnosis, so a great deal of chemo and radiation). There was just something about seeing him, smiling, alive, and married. Now please understand that I am so happy he's alive, that he's happy, that he's married. It was simply a reminder of what I'll never get to experience with Jordyn.
Grief is funny like that. It has no rhyme or reason. It comes at the oddest time and just simply makes no sense what so ever. Tonight I was reminded just how raw grief can be and how quickly it can wash over. Thankfully, it didn't last long. I talked through it with a friend and by the end the tears were gone and all I felt was joy, pure joy for this young man who has survived childhood cancer and has truly beaten the odds. He had a harsh cancer to begin with, he had as far as I know 2 bone marrow transplants. I do remember when we were in the hospital he was dealing with some pretty severe graf vs host disease (which is a good and bad thing to have, if it's mild it's a great thing to have and what we wish Jordyn would have had, but when it's severe it's often deadly and he had it severely so to know he survived makes my heart sing). I can not tell you how happy I am that he's living his life and I have no doubt, living it well.

Tuesday, October 08, 2013

I am finding that I'm constantly fighting against my nature and in that fighting my husband for control. I get frustrated and fly off the handle at the drop of a hat. I would love to feel peace for more than 5 days straight. To feel contentment for more than a couple days at a time. I know the problem, I do get it. I'm frustrated with myself that I can not be stronger in my walk with the Lord and I know what I NEED to do. I need to be in my bible every single day. I am NOT though.
I know what I need to do and I need to do it. It's not hard. It's laziness, plain and simple, lazy.

Thursday, September 26, 2013

Clear Heads Prevails

So I haven't talked to one of my best friends, E in I guess about a week. Tonight we talked and as we were talking, I thought of something that had been discussed in my Sunday School class and let me just say that GOD hit me on the side of the head and opened my blind eyes.
When we see people who seem that everything is always going in their way, that this is as good as it's ever going to get for them. This IS their Heaven. Then there's others who seem that every turn, is something else going wrong in their life. This is their hell, and Heaven is waiting for them and is going to be so much better than ANYTHING this world could ever offer.
When I shared that with my friend, it was a light bulb. I allowed Satan to not only whisper his lies to me, but I believed them. I have been a stupid, stupid, stupid woman. I am oh so thankful that GOD opened my eyes.
I am going to continue to be honest here, I've kept so much bottled up and I think that's part of how Satan was able to get ahold of me. Instead of me sharing and allowing others to pray for me. I have learned that I must be more open. I can be prayed for and with and if people don't like who I AM, that's okay. I can handle people not liking me and I don't need 1,000 followers. I just need to be honest and true to who GOD has made me to be.
Keep praying, because let me tell you...this girl has some issue's! ;) But, I have a much bigger GOD, whether I can feel Him or not. He's always there and he loves me.

Tuesday, September 24, 2013

Where Are You?

I don't feel God in my life right now. A friend this morning at PWOC (bible study) said this may be a time where he's carrying you. I don't know. I hope so. I just don't know.
I need HIM, more than anyone else and  yet I feel alone, abandoned, tossed aside. Where are you, Father? I want to feel loved. I want to feel that I matter to you. I know you died on a cross for me, for my sins, because you love me that much. I SHOULD feel loved. Oh GOD, please hear the cries of my heart.
Please help me out of this dark place. I truly feel Satan circling me and feel him winning in my life. I want the tears to stop, I want the hopelessness to leave my heart. I am so desperate for you, please don't leave me. I have not felt this lost since Jordyn died. I feel like David's Psalms are all across me, his cries for you.
I am tired of being so lonely. Tired of being so sad. Tired of feeling so unloved. One day this will be over. I don't want to just get through this life. I really do want to live it. I just don't know how to right now. I miss you.

Monday, September 23, 2013

I'm Done

I'm done not being real. I'm done putting a smile on my face and acting like everything is "fine" or "good". Things are not great in really any aspect of my life. I'm unhappy with my "self" in general. I don't like my body, I don't like who I've become. I'm not a good wife to my husband, I'm a worse mom to my kids. I loose it constantly on everyone.
I can't tell you the last time anyone actually listened to ME. I don't know the last time I let anyone know anything about me that is really deep. NO ONE and I do mean NO ONE knows and the fact is no one cares. I can remember from the time I was very young being told I was a "good listener" and from that time I've always felt like, it's because no one cares to hear ME.
I feel empty. I feel unloved. I am lost. Desperate.
I am not suicidal, but do think life would be so much better if God would just take me home. I sound dramatic and ridiculous. Is it too much to ask for people who claim to care and love me to actually show it? Is it too much to want a friend to ask "how are you" and actually feel like they REALLY want to know and are not just waiting for you to stop talking so they can start? It's been so long since I had that. I'm starting to question if that's even out there for me.
The woman who knows the Lord, tells herself "God's trying to get your attention. Lean on Him. Tell Him." The selfish part of me says "I know that, but I also want just one person in this world to really care and want to hear what I have to say." 
I don't know if it'll happen, I'm not counting on it. So I'm just going to be real here. I don't expect that anyone will read this. It's fine.
I have decided that since I on facebook quite a bit, I'm going to start deleting people and limiting what most can see on my page. If I don't think you're a real friend, you're either being limited or deleted. I'm tired of reaching out and sharing parts of my life, and getting nothing.

I have a "friend" who lives a few states away. Not long after we moved back, we talked and she said she was going to come visit. She didn't. As soon as another friend moved to the same state, but different place, she drove those hours and spent a weekend with her, not a word to me. That hurt. I'd never do that to her. IF I was with in 2 hours of her, I'd have at least let her know so if she could come meet me she could have. I would have came up to see her, even if just for a few hours, but obviously I don't mean crap to her. So I'm done being "nice". I refuse to leave my heart open to people who don't care. You know, that's not true. I do care. It hurts and when I brought it up, it was made clear that I was not a priority to her. She can stick by friends who are liars, cheats, and treat her like crap. I don't have to be treated that way as well and I won't be anymore.

I'm tired of being the one who has to go visit people, yet no one can bother to visit me. It's what it is at this point. I am finally seeing my value to others and it's not squat. I've allowed that, but I'm done. If I'm not important to you, then I'll do us both a favor and step away.

Tuesday, August 20, 2013

Psalms 86

Last night at small groups (bible study) we are talking about prayer and focused on Psalms 86. The Lord's word is so convicting, in a good way, yet whew. As we were going around the room asking for prayer, I knew what I had to ask others to pray for me over, my ease of flying off the handle with the kids, especially my older ones. Here's the thing, I do not know what I'm angry over or why I just fly off the handle so easily.

Psalms 86
A prayer of David. Hear me, LORD, and answer me, for I am poor and needy. Guard my life, for I am faithful to you; save your servant who trusts in you. You are my God; have mercy on me, Lord, for I call to you all day long. Bring joy to your servant, Lord, for I put my trust in you. You, Lord, are forgiving and good, abounding in love to all who call to you. Hear my prayer, LORD; listen to my cry for mercy. When I am in distress, I call to you, because you answer me. Among the gods there is none like you, Lord; no deeds can compare with yours.All the nations you have made will come and worship before you, Lord; they will bring glory to your name. For you are great and do marvelous deeds; you alone are God, Teach me your way, LORD, that I may rely on your faithfulness; give me an undivided heart, that I may fear your name. I will praise you, Lord my God, with all my heart; I will glorify your name forever. For great is your love toward me; you have delivered me from the depths, from the realm of the dead. Arrogant foes are attacking me, O God; ruthless people are trying to kill me— they have no regard for you. But you, Lord, are a compassionate and gracious God, slow to anger, abounding in love and faithfulness. Turn to me and have mercy on me; show your strength in behalf of your servant; save me, because I serve you just as my mother did. Give me a sign of your goodness, that my enemies may see it and be put to shame, for you, LORD, have helped me and comforted me. 

What I know is that as I study this scripture and pray on and through it, the Lord can change me. I need to be changed. I need to have more fear of the Lord and praise Him more. He shows me so much grace and I need to show grace towards my children. I need to be softer and kinder and just be gentle. I want to be like the Lord and be slow to anger and abound with love. I want to show the grace that the Lord shows me day in and day out.

As we prepare for our new school year to start I want it to be the best school year we've had. No tears, other than happy ones when it comes to school work. I want excitement and joy of learning. Okay, I am realistic and know that not every day we're going to be excited about school, but that does not mean we can not still find thankfulness in our school days. Let me focus on the love I have for my children and let them truly feel loved without question.

I want to be more like Jesus and less like me. 

Friday, August 16, 2013


I'm a pretty outgoing person, I rarely have a hard time talking to people. Yesterday the homeschool group here had a picnic. I have never felt so out of place and uncomfortable. Thinking about it right now makes me tear up, not because I'm an over-emotional sap (I used to be, but the last few years not a lot makes me cry), but because I was hurt that no one could be bothered to talk to me. I was late, but it's a picnic so that to me normally means it's a bit more open ended. We got there, placed our food on the table, made our plates. I said hello to a couple people and got a "hi" and nothing else. Now please know I did not expect everyone to stop what they were doing and greet me, but I did expect people to be more friendly. I sat down at a table where another lady was sitting and had been eating. As soon as we sat down, she turned around (at a picnic table) and started talking to another lady. I sat there, eating my watermellon, feeding Olivia, and fought off the tears. It was like this ugly click and I was obviously  not welcome. My kids were asking me when we could leave.
Now this was not our first time with this homeschool group. When we first moved back we went to a field trip, met other families, felt immediately welcome, spoke with MANY other parents. Yesterday could not have been more different. I ended up speaking with one person, a young woman who recently moved here, who has a mutual friend. She was getting her kids and leaving and walked past me and recognized me and we talked for about 5 minutes. That was it. Chad had met me there, since I had a drs apt at 1:00, so he took the kids and I left. We were there for a little over 30 minutes and had I ever suspected it'd be that way, we'd have NEVER went.
I am still digesting how to handle it, whether I address it with the group as a whole on our page on facebook or just let it go. I would NEVER want another person to feel like we did yesterday, but I also do not want to stir up drama or be thought of as this dramatic mess.
I know I could have put myself into conversations, but it's hard when it's so obvious that you are NOT welcome. I've lived long enough to know when a person's simply not welcome.
I told Chad, maybe it's time I start looking outside of the military for support, since our time is ending. Maybe this was the Lord's way to begin to prepare me for civilian life.
This has made me miss Germany so much. I miss my Bamberg home school group. My sweet friends who would and never did make a new family feel excluded, but instead probably overwhelmed them with love and welcoming them to the group. I have no memories of anyone ever being excluded.
I don't know how I'm going to handle this yet, but I know I want to be gentle and most of all be led by the Lord.

Friday, July 19, 2013

Olivia is healing well. Her left hand no longer has to be bandaged and although there's still healing to be done, but she's able to have full use of it now. Her right hand is making a lot of progress as well. All the skin that had been blistered on her palm came off on Monday, you can now see the skin that survived and it was a good amount more than her doctor thought would have survived, so he was really happy with that. She also has lots of new, pink, tender skin growing. Right now her doctor does not think she'll need surgery, but it just depends on how tight the skin grows, if it's too tight they'd have to go in and fix that, but at this point he does not think she'll need surgery. I continue to pray she doesn't. I am so thankful that although this is still hard, she's healing well and that when it's all said and done, she will not have any memory of it.
We have seen the Lord's grace through every step of this. I look at those who do not have a relationship with Christ and just do not know how they do it. I'm so thankful we have the Lord and lean on Him, trust Him, serve Him.

Friday, July 12, 2013

In a moment

We have had a busy, fun, and crazy last few weeks. One of Jacob's best friends from Germany came and spent ultimately 2 1/2 weeks with us. It was a good visit for the boys, although Jacob was away at church camp the 2nd week while his friend was here. Jacob had such a great time at camp though with all the fun stuff and on fire for the Lord most importantly! Jacob was at camp during the first week of July. On the 4th of July we had plans of swimming, grilling, and going to town to watch the fire works, home to set off a few of our own with the intentions of saving the majority for when Jacob returned the next day. That was the plan. Swimming happened and Chad grilled and as Chad finished up grilling and turned to bring the food in and tell the kids to come in, our sweet, beautiful Olivia Joy walked over to the grill and touched it. Just writing it still makes me sick to my stomach. Her sweet little hands were burned severely. Her right hand endured the worst of it her whole palm and all her fingers, there are 2nd and 3 degree burns on her tiny little hand. On her left hand her thumb and first two fingers each had a burn and the fatty area between her thumb and index finger also had a blister. Those were "only" 2nd degree burns and right now are very close to being healed. We were told 10 to 14 days for 2nd degree burns and thankfully her left hand seems to be on par for that healing schedule. We spent about 2 hours at the ER the evening of the 4th and then the next day took her to Wichita to the hospital there that has a burn center. Can I just say it takes a very special and unique person to be able to work with burn victims, I am not that person. I sat there holding my baby girl, as they popped blisters and cut away the dead skin, as she screamed from pain, I sobbed.
It took just 5 seconds of Chad turning his back for this to happen and we're now a week and 1 day out from this and I still find myself tearing up and feeling sick, to know the pain my little girl experienced. I just hate it.
We returned to Wichita the following Tuesday (as in 3 days ago) and went to the burn specialists. He was happy with how she's healing up and said that after today we do not have to wrap her left hand any longer. I asked how long it may take (knowing that every one heals different and every burn is different) and he said it could take possibly 2 months, there are a lot of factors that go into it. If she still has skin that's alive and healthy on her hands (palms and fingers) then it'll heal faster and if not it'll take longer and then we may have to discuss her having a graf done, but he does not at this point think surgery/graf will be necessary. The thing is, it's just a matter of waiting and seeing though. We go back next Tuesday to his office so he can once again check her hand and see the healing process.
I am in such awe of Olivia. She had such a rough start to life and showed nothing but courage and strength as a newborn that knew no difference. Here she is at just a little over a year old, once again showing strength and courage. I know I would cry and complain constantly if it was me, although I so wish it was me over her. I have learned a great deal about burns, honesty far more than I ever wanted to know.
Chad is excellent at changing Olivia's dressings, I on the other hand, am not. I'm extremely thankful that it's not left up to me to do, although this week, I'm going to work on doing it so I can do it alone, since next week he has 24 hour duty one day and I will have to do it alone, with the most help being from Emma, which will not really be help!
Next week our big boys will be off to camp for a week. I'm excited for them, but I know I'll miss them. Jack is so excited, tomorrow both the boys will get packed and we'll pick up any items that are needed that we don't have.

We are so thankful that although our girl is going through something I would like to take away, we have seen God's hand through all of this, holding her closely, putting the best doctors and care in our path, and help with our other children when we've needed it.

Monday, June 24, 2013

I did it

Last Monday I got out of bed and stepped down, just like any other day, but unlike any other day I did something to cause pain in the top of my foot. I had a drs apt about something else and didn't really think to even bring it up. I went along my way, limping a bit, but was okay. Tuesday my foot hurt a little more, Wednesday a little more, Thursday even more. Friday it was really painful. We went swimming and as I was climbing out of the pool and heading down the ladder to put my shoes on, the pain was unbearable. I showered and got dressed and we headed into VBS. I told Chad on the way that he was going to have to take me to the ER. We dropped the  kids off, stopped for a pick up of some books that I had to do, and then Chad dropped me off at the ER and he went back to our church as I instructed.
After 3 1/2 hours I was finally called back to a room. The PA I saw didn't believe it was broken, and honestly it being broken was nothing I'd even considered. He pushed on where it was swollen and I thought I was going to crawl out of my skin because of the pain. He pushed a little lower and the nausea took over. Off to Xray and confirmed nothing appeared to be broken. I pulled/stretched a ligament in my foot. I am icing it often, staying off of it, taking vicadin for pain (not working), and motrin (because you can't go to an Army hospital and not get the Ranger Candy!). I was still hurting, but it wasn't unbearable. Saturday I did great and kept off of it all day. Sunday had church, I sang, although they got me a stool to sit on and sing from, then after church it was time to tear down from VBS. I took some things down and then was ordered to sit, which I did. Then friends that attend the church that our decorations were going to, to be used, showed up and lots of hugs and chatting began and I was standing more. Came home and sat down, and a friend came out for a while with her baby. I was good and kept my foot propped up and iced. That evening I hobbled around here and there, not using my crutches like I should. This morning I woke up in so much pain.
I know, I know I did this to myself. I have more swelling and the pain is just over the top. I'm icing it, staying on top of my meds (which don't help, but I'm just hoping something will kick in). I've decided if it still hurts like this tomorrow I'm calling to see if I can get into my PCM (Primary Care Manager aka dr). put

The lesson to be learned. Don't be stupid like me if you injure yourself, do over do it, just stay be good and stay down!

Saturday, June 08, 2013

Showing Grace and Mercy

I've recently seen a new "fad" you could say. Christians bashing Christians. It breaks my heart, it bothers me, and when I see it I go to say something and then have no peace. I don't want to be part of another phase of bashing, yet feel convicted that I'm to go to my sister(s)/brother(s) in Christ and well tell them to stop.
I don't understand the constant crowing from some who are saying "show grace, show  mercy, be forgiving" yet what do they do "That's a fine example of a Christian" in a sarcastic tone. "This is why unbelievers hate Christians", etc. It is so hurtful, it groups all Christians into this one group.
I am not perfect, I don't know a soul who is other than our Lord, Jesus Christ. I know I don't always show grace and mercy, like I should. I so hope and pray I'm not seen as someone who bashes others. I want to be known as a Christian and that my love for Jesus shined from me, as a wife, mother, etc....but most of all as a Christian and I want to represent Christ in the best possible way.
I know I often fall miserably in showing his love, grace, and mercy more days than I like. Let those who care about me or even just know me, and see me in my sin, that they'll show enough grace to call me out in my sin.

Tuesday, May 28, 2013

Progress in photography

  I continue to work on photography, it's still a great deal of a work in progress. I am hoping to take a photoshop class through the same teacher that I took the photography class, so hopefully when he offers it again, I'll be able to get in to it (only 4 people are in the class). The goal though for me right now is to take good and eventually beautiful photographs without editing.

Here's a few that I've taken.

Work in progress, I am learning, I see progress most days and see where I need to change up things and adjust, etc.

Saturday, May 18, 2013

Since moving back to Kansas we've been with only 1 vehicle, which means the kids and I are at home all day, everyday. Ultimately I leave once a week,on Sunday's to go to church. In general I'm okay with it, I'm a home body, we do school, kids play, our days are full, but what I've found out about myself is that when you live 30 minutes from post, aprox. 5 miles to the closest small and I do mean small town and 11 minutes from the next town, well you can get a little stir crazy. I am a homebody, but I also need some adult interaction and just need out of the house from time to time.

I simply put get lonely. I often feel forgotten. I have a friend who texts me from time to time who lives on post, to check in, but we just haven't been able to spend much time together. I am ready for Chad to get his own vehicle so I can have my van back and even if I don't go anywhere, I don't feel so trapped. I know I could obviously leave once Chad's home, but I don't feel like wasting gas just so I can "go".

I know the Lord has called me to this place right now, and although I don't completely understand it fully, I must find joy in it, and honestly I've not felt a lot of joy in my heart lately, but I think that may be why the Lord has called me to this place of solitude.

I want to be obedient. I want to be a good wife and not complain all the time to Chad, and I want to be a good mother, a better mom.
Use me Lord to be who you want and are calling me to be.

Tuesday, May 14, 2013

Thanks to those who commented and have been such an encouragement to me. Saturday was a really hard day for me, pretty well all of last week was hard, but it all came crashing down on Saturday. Wednesday was the 13th anniversary of Jordyn's death and Sunday/Mother's Day was the anniversary of when we buried her, the last time I kissed her, touched her sweet face, saw her sweet face. Grief is hard, it hurts, and you know I have the hope through Jesus. I KNOW one day I'll be with my sweet girls again, and yet it brings me to my knee's. It's ugly, it's raw, and it can make a person feel like they're losing their mind. I was there on Saturday. Crying out for Jesus and honestly for anyone else to just say "I care, your pain matters, I haven't forgotten".

I have been so blessed in this life, and I sadly do need to be reminded sometimes of how blessed my life is. The Lord has blessed me with 6 beautiful and amazing children, 5 of which I have right here to raise. Yesterday at church our pastor was preaching on Proverbs 1:7-12 and the verse that truly struck my heart and Chad's was verse summarize fathers are to instruct their children and mother's are to teach. Such conviction and great instruction for both of us as parents and a reminder and confirmation that parenting is both of our responsibilities.
I have not been the best mom lately...from being too harsh to being lazy in my mothering. I don't want to look back with regrets, or at least not many regrets. Every day is a new start and blessing and it's time I stop taking for granted the blessings the Lord's bestowed upon me.

I hope my fellow Momma's will pray on these verses, let them encourage you, and seek HIS wisdom.

Proverbs 1:7-9
The fear of the LORD is the beginning of knowledge, but fools [fn] despise wisdom and instruction.
Listen, my son, to your father's instruction and do not forsake your mother's teaching.
They are a garland to grace your head and a chain to adorn your neck.

Sunday, May 12, 2013

It's time

I finally made a decision that gives me peace. I've held onto so much anger, sadness, confusion, and just feeling unsettled, but now there's just peace. I honestly don't know if I'll be blogging anymore, I get just a couple people at most who even comment, not sure if anyone else even reads.

Friday, May 10, 2013


 I've never been much of a "trends" kind of girl, be it fashion, music, etc. I don't think I'm one that people would say "she goes by the beat of her own drum", but what I do, do is go by what I feel feels right, what I pray lines up with the Lord, and what's best for my family.

The trend I've seen the last week is something that really, really disturbs me and I find just sad. That trend? Dishonoring Mother's Day. Okay, now before you think I'm heartless to the childless, the grieving (um...HELLO), to those who are struggling with infertility, let me tell you now I'm not. My heart BREAKS for the woman, whose one constant prayer and heartbreak is not being a mother, who aches for the child that's yet to fill her arms. I do not know how that feels. With that though, I have been the Momma who on Mother's Day, on her 2nd Mother's Day had empty arms, because only 2 days prior I buried my daughter and THIS year, THIS Mother's Day, May 12, 2013 is the 13th anniversary of when I buried Jordyn. This is a sacred day for this momma, so my heart is there. What I see though in blog after blog is "don't throw it in non-mom's faces" "be careful when celebrating Mother's Day at church, when out to eat, when shopping". I'm sorry, but NO. We should be celebrating Mom's. GOD created Mommas and we should honor that gift. I am not saying screaming and carrying on here, I'm saying there is absolutely nothing more loving than our CHURCH body standing up and saying "Mommas you are loved, you are remembered, and today we're remembering you." I can tell you that every time Chad was deployed and missed Mother's Day, if it had not been for our church, the day would have passed as any other Sunday. Now I do not need gifts, but I'd be lying if I said I do not LOVE me some homemade cards and my kids greeting me with "Happy Mother's Day, we love you". I love it. Call me self-centered if you will, but it's honest. I am humbled and honored that after Jordyn died, the Lord has seen it fit to allow me to be a mom to 5 more children. I love being a mom. I am so thankful.

I want to encourage all of you to of course be gentle and loving to your friends and loved ones whose arms are empty, but do NOT be afraid to celebrate the Mother's in your lives, to hug your friend who just had a new baby, or the grandma in your church who doesn't get to see her children or grandchildren often and let her know she's special and she's remembered.

You know so often mom's feel under-valued, so often they don't feel like they're really contributing to society, they feel lonely, that what they do really isn't that important or that big of a deal. It IS just the opposite, and I'm one who often devalues my role as a mother, but then the Lord reminds me sometimes gently and sometimes with a great big shake...that this is the role he created me for. That I'm here to mother these amazing people and if he sees my value, who am I not to?

I beg you to love on the mother's in  your life and if that's also you, then don't feel guilted by this new trend of  attempting to make you feel guilty that you are going to be celebrated and appreciated on Sunday. Instead thank the Lord for the blessing of being a mother, that you have blessings that want to make you pasta necklaces, dandelion bouquets, and homemade cards. You are beautiful, you are doing a hard job, and you are appreciated.


May 8, 2000 at 5 AM EST I awoke to my little girl taking her last breath. I screamed out to the Lord, begging and pleading to let me have her back, not yet, I wasn't ready. I was alone...literally. Chad had left the day before to go to his Grandfather's funeral. I called a friend to come sit with me, our beloved nurse, hospice, but first I had to call Chad who was in Ohio to tell him his baby girl was in Heaven.
There are details that will forever remain etched on my heart and in my mind. When I try, I can still smell her. I can still almost feel her warm breath on my neck as she falls asleep on my shoulder, as I rock her and sing to her.
She'd be 15 years old now.
I am so thankful for those precious 2 years I had with her on this earth. She lived a difficult life in many eyes, dx with cancer 6 days before her first birthday. Her last year she was in and out of hospital, chemo, radiation, a bone marrow transplant. She had the most contagious smile, her eyes danced with joy, and her love for Jesus radiated from her.
Not a day goes by that I don't long to still be able to wrap her up in my arms. I loved her well, she loved me well. Most of all the Lord loves/loved us both well. He's never let me go, he's still Holy, just, powerful, and amazing. I'm still humbled that he calls me his daughter. I'm humbled that he allowed ME, this sinful, mess of a woman to be this amazing child's mother. That he allowed me bring her into this world and he allowed me to hold her as she left it. There is nothing more precious than that, my friends.

Tuesday, May 07, 2013

In Sin

I read a blog tonight and was so saddened and honestly angry. The blogger shared of how she lied without guilt while in church, and sadly her blog post has been shared with a fairly popular mommy/"Christian" blogger.
When did it become acceptable to encourage lying in church? I know we're not perfect, not a single one of us and I guarantee I KNOW I'm not, I'm so far from it, it hurts. I also want my brothers and SISTERS in Christ to call me out in my sins. Do not pat me on the back for standing up in church and lie.
We should absolutely be graceful, loving, and gentle. We should not encourage, applaud, and celebrate our sisters and brothers in Christ, in sin.

Thursday, May 02, 2013

Army Wife

I know I don't write a lot about our Army life, there's tons of blogs out there with Army wives who love it, thrive to write about it, but although I'm extremely proud of my husband's service and have VERY strong opinions on the military, it's just not the center of my life so much, but tonight yeah I'm going there.
We're at 19 years, we're at a point of counting down until Chad retires and we move to a new phase of life, most likely Chad will still be working for the government as in Government Service job, but he will no longer be active duty and just a year ago the thought of retirement was overwhelming and honestly scary, but the Lord has definitely changed my heart there and I completely look forward to retirement!
For those who are not in the military, you may or may not know there are a lot of military groups online for spouses, most are wives, although you'll find a few brave souled husbands. I think most posts (in the Army it's post, not base) have their wives pages and honestly most are full of drama, there are also the wide open groups...some are UGLY, they mock wives, (yes other military wives making fun of other's mature out there people). They take pictures of ladies at the commissary, PX, in their yards, picking up their kids at school (or dropping them off). Make fun of what they are wearing, what kind of purse or bag they carry, if they wear a military themed/support shirt or baseball cap, jewelry. They hold nothing back. They blast girls who have multiple relationships with military guys, those who cheat, etc. I have stayed away from these groups, because there's nothing of value coming from these pages. There's nothing glorifying to the Lord, all they do is make me angry or just overwhelmingly sad.
Today a friend of mine had commented on one of those type of pages and it was one I'd not heard a lot of bad things about, so I was browsing (aka just reading the various posts) and I just felt my blood pressure rising. I'd feel compelled to reply, only to find myself so angry at the other spouses comments, that I'd have to just close it out, no comment, no proof that I'd been on the page, just overwhelming sadness. Wives tearing other wives down who was asking for advice because she is trapped in an abusive marriage and doesn't know how to get out. Another wife who sounded like she was dealing with possible post partum depression, definitely over whelmed, married to what I deemed a immature husband who thinks that when he gets home at 5:00 that his work day is over and he can just play video games and go to the gym for 2 or 3 hours, while his wife who stays at home, does her best to stay on top of housework, while dealing with a 3 year old and a set of twins, and an older child, and is getting no help from her husband. Women told this wife to suck it up, yes...told her to suck it up, told her to be happy he's not deployed and home. It made me angry for her.
This is why I can not go onto these pages. Most of these spouses are YOUNG, well young compared to me. Many are in their early 20's and I'm in my mid/late 30's. Most are just starting their life with their soldier, while I'm at 16 years of marriage and 6 kids. I'm also VERY opinionated and just quite vocal. I'm sure these pages have redeeming qualities for some, but personally I don't see anything positive coming from them. I see a lot of bullies, a lot of women who obviously have VERY LOW self-esteem tearing other women down to make them feel better. I see hurt women looking for help, only to be slapped in the face by the ones who should reach out and love on her. I know that for me, these pages bring out the ugly in me. I want to lash out at the women who are hurting other women, which ultimately makes me no better than the ones I'm angry with.

I know what I HAVE to do, I have to pray for these women. The ones who are brave enough to put themselves out there, who share their imperfections of themselves, their marriage, their parenting, how they're struggling through a deployment, etc. I have to pray for the women who attack. I have to pray for the ones who run these pages and seem to thrive off of drama, who openly mock, who purposely hurt, who tear down, and then kick and scream. Lord I want to show your grace, forgiveness, and love. I don't want to hurt those who are hurting. I want to love like you love.

Being an Army wife is not always easy, it's not always rewarding, and it's most definitely not glamorous. It's not like the TV show or movies. It's often times lonely, it's extremely stressful at times, it's rough, and for some it's impossible. It's not for the weak or for the ones who can't handle being away from their spouse for at times long periods of times. Distance makes the heart grow fonder, is not just a saying, it's often real life. Distance can also destroy marriages...some simply just can't handle deployments, training, field problems, etc. Some can't handle moving every 3 years (some more, some less). Some can't handle being states away or countries away from family and friends. The military life is not for the co-dependent.

Chad and I have went through 5 deployments. I've learned a great deal about myself as well as my marriage and children through those deployments. I've learned just as much in between those deployments. The most important thing I've learned in my 16 plus years as an Army wife is that I can do nothing without Christ. I am no good to anyone if I am not leaning on Jesus. My marriage is a ridiculous mess if I don't dwell in HIS Word. I'm ugly, sinful, and just a wretched mess with Christ and I'm 100 times worse, without Him! With Him, though, I am forgiven. I am loved. I am cherished. I have hope. Without him, I'm unforgiveable, unlovable, undesirable. I'm not perfect and the Lord knows that, but I'm covered with the blood of Jesus, and what he see's instead of all my sins is the beauty HE created in me. I don't know how people in general get through life without Jesus. I most definitely don't know how Army wives (and military wives in general) get through the years in the military or more so married to a military man without Christ. I see the consequences of what life is like without HIM and let me tell you it's ugly, mean, and fully of broken women (and men).

My time as an Army wife is dwindling down. I've learned a lot, but the greatest thing I gained, is my Salvation. I pray that the women who post and read these pages will find their worth, their value not in the words of other broken women, but instead in the perfect and redeeming love and grace of Jesus Christ.

Sunday, April 28, 2013


I've had a nice DSLR for a few  years, but up until recently I just honestly didn't know how to really use it out of auto, which makes it really no better than a good point and shoot. I have been determined to learn how to USE my camera, to figure out what I could do with my camera. I was able to take a great 4 week class and learned so much of how to really use  my camera, and I truly hope I have a good eye.

I have a long, long, long way to go. I am not a professional, I am so far from being one it's not even funny, but I'm determined to become more than just decent, but good. My purposes to take beautiful photo's of my babies, so I can stop paying other people to do it, well other than family ones that include me! ;)

I'm including ones that I took on field trips with my class, as well as ones I've been taking at home being intentional on trying to pay attention to the light, adjusting fstop and shutter speed, ISO, etc. There's a lot of growing I still have to do. I'm thankful I have beautiful little models to practice on, I live in a beautiful area (Kansas...yes it's beautiful here) to practice on with landscape, lakes, sunsets (seriously we have some of the most beautiful sunsets in the world), flowers, etc. I will keep working, keep taking classes, keep learning, and hopefully in the near future I'll start feeling happier with this art that I can cut out the middle man when it comes to my kids pictures! :)

Like I said, I have a long ways to go, but it's a start and I can already see a difference.