Sunday night/Monday Morning

I've struggled with insomnia for 7 1/2 yrs and it's not fun. After I have a baby it "disappears" for a short time, just long enough to get my hopes up that it's finally gone, but before I know it my mind is back to racing and I'm wide awake until the wee hours of the mornings. With insomnia over the years I've found myself on here more than anywhere. There are often times I've thrown a load of laundry in the washer or waiting for clothes to finish up in the washers, but most often than not...it's my quiet time after the kids are asleep and Chad. I normally spend time in prayer while sitting here in front of this screen as well.

Tonight loneliness has taken over me. I just feel very disconnected right now. I'm totally dwelling on the upcoming deployment and wonder if my family will ever step up and really be there for me during a deployment. Sadly I doubt they ever will, this will be our 5th deployment, 3rd to Iraq what would make them step up NOW? I just wish they would. I don't feel sorry for myself when it comes to deployments. The majority of my friends are, have, or will be going through one themselves so how's feeling pity for myself going to make things better or easier? It's not. It doesn't mean though that I don't want love and support. See my mind knows what we're about to face, my heart is having a harder time coming to grips with it though. Sometimes I just want to say "hasn't our family been through enough?" We miss every single day with Jordyn. Not a single day goes by that I don't think of her. I look at Emma and wonder what it'd be like for her to have her big sister. I wonder the same thing for my boys. It's a question that I'll never see answered this side of Heaven. I accept it, doesn't mean I don't still wonder though.

I am honestly feeling I guess you could call it deployment exhaustion, and it's not even started. It's just know he's going AGAIN and then I meet people who's NEVER been deployed and that is absolutely frustrating. I know it comes down to MOS's (Army lingo...the type of job they have), some of it's simply luck of coming and going from a unit and just missing deployments over and over again. Three deployments to Iraq in 5 years is just so much. I miss my husband and although I GET how blessed we are with all the technology we have that no other war has had...we have internet/email/im's/webcams. We have phone services, cell phones, satelite phones. The reality is, there's still nothing like when he's home.

I want to be the best mom to my kids always, but especially during deployments. Last time I was not so much. This time I want to be better. I know that if I give this request over to Christ he'll give me everything I need to get through it. I just have to remember not to take it BACK from Christ when he does take the burden.

I'm starting to finally get tired, hopefully this made some sense. I'll write more tomorrow all of a sudden exhaustion has taken over and I can barely keep my eyes open.

God Bless

Time's Fleeting

I've wanted to blog, it's been eating away at me, yet wasn't sure exactly what I was going to write about. The one thing I've tried hard to NOT write about is what's here, bubbling out of me. As we draw near the end of 2007 I'm thankful that Chad was home with us this year, next year will be quite a different story. I don't think I've blogged about it, but Chad will be deploying again in late spring. This will be his (our) 3rd deployment to OIF and our 5th over all deployment in the last almost 11 yrs of our marriage. There are so many things that I'm not looking forward to concerning the deployment.

1. He'll be gone for 15 months. This is not a maybe, not a "well hopefully"...this is what it is. Although they are hoping to scale deployments back to 12 months, there was an article I read that stated even when it has, those who have been issued the 15 mo. deployment by such and such date will still deploy for those 15 months, so no matter we know Chad will be gone for 15 months. It's really hard for me to swallow this, to grasp it so to speak. God has definately been preparing our hearts and world for this. Our first deployment was a 4 month to Bosnia, then a 6 month to Kuwait (he was there during 9-11 that was soooo stressful!) then he went to Iraq for 9 months, then Iraq for 12...so it really only makes sense that this deployment would also increase. I know we'll manage just fine, but I'm simply not looking forward to it. He's my husband and as much as he gets on my nerves, I do not want him gone for so long. A month here and there is one thing, but goodness this is just a whole new ball game. We'll be fine, we'll make it I'm just going to miss him.

2. He's going to miss out on so much with the kids. Jacob will be 8 1/2 by the time he gets home. Jackson will be 6 (well he may actually get home before his birthday so we'll see how that one plays out), and Emma will be 2. Emma will not know her Daddy the way she should. He's going to miss so much with all the kids, but those sweet milestones of Emma's breaks my heart. What's ironic is that with all of our children he's missed out on that 6th month of their life and I was so excited to think that finally he was going to be home for one of our kids 6 month, but nope...he'll be off training for the whole month! Well he'll get to be with her for 2 days of it. It does figure, so I'm not all that surprised!

We have a few more months still. I just feel tired already thinking of it. The plan right now is that the kids and I will go back to the states for about 6 weeks to visit family and friends. Most likely by the time we get back it'll be over 3 yrs since we've been to the states and it'll be the first time Emma will have been there! I am feeling really sad that my family is missing out on Emma's babyhood. They see her in pictures, but it's not exactly the same. I really wish they could come here or we could afford a trip to visit them, but that's just not going to happen.

It's late and my families all in bed. Chad and Emma are warm and cozy in our bed and it's time for me to crawl in there. I know these moments are fleeting and I need to take advantage of them every moment I can.

God Bless

After Christmas

I got this from a friends blog and it grabbed my heart I just had to share it. I don't know the author, so if you do, let me know and I'll give credit...for now though it's "Author Unknown"

After Christmas

When the song of the angels is stilled,

When the star in the sky is gone,

When the kings and princes are home,

When the shepherds are back with their flocks,

The work of Christmas begins;

To find the lost,

To heal the broken,

To feed the hungry,

To release the prisoner,

To rebuild the nations,

To bring peace among people,

To make music in the heart.

***************************************************************************

We had a wonderful Christmas. We do one Santa gift, normally the kids each get a gift, but this year it was a big one and for everyone...Santa brought us a Cat. She's a beautiful tabby that the boys named Whiskers. Not sure how old she is, we'll get her into the vet and see if Dr. Mike can tell us how old she is. We got her from a friend who got her from a friend who's husband was injured while in Afganistan and ended up being medically retired because of the injury, she simply couldn't afford to take Whiskers (they had 2 dogs and hadn't had whiskers very long). The mutual friend had the task of finding her a new home and we were the happy ones to jump on being that home! The boys were speechless and so excited! We already have a cat here, Pounce, but simply put he's as antisocial as a cat can be. Whiskers isn't! She's not even stepped into our bedroom I don't think and it was the FIRST place Pounce dashed to the moment we brought him home. Whisker's is very social, playful, and just wonderful to be around. She LIKES people!

They got many other gifts and still have many to come from friends and family in the states. The boys also got a big gift each. Jacob got a PSP and Jack got a Leapster LMax. They both really, really like them and have had a great time with them. Momma's played on the leapster already and thinking tomorrow might have to play with the PSP. What's funny is in general I'm not a fan of these sort of games...but Jack's "Cars" game totally addictive! ROFL!

As wonderful of an addition as Whisker's is, this Christmas's best addition is by and far Emma. I don't want anyone to misunderstand me when I say this and I'll put out a disclaimer..I LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOVE My boys. I adore them, my life would be missing and lacking without them and I love them just as much...ok. Emma is someone I've prayed for. When Jordyn died and I found myself pregnant with Jacob I was simply not ready for a daughter and thankfully I knew it and God definately knew it. God blessed us with Jacob and he was the child my heart and arms needed. When Jackson came along, we wanted a girl, but I was not heartbroken to find out he was a boy, again he was exactly who we needed in our family. But...I've always wanted to raise a daughter. I had Jordyn and she will ALWAYS be our daughter, simply put though I don't get to raise her. I had her for the most precious 2 yrs 1 month and 8 days of my life, but she's with Jesus now. She's better off there, she's where we all want to be some day. I do not fear death. I know I'll be with Jesus and Jordyn when I die. I look to that day as a glorious day for me. None the less, I've prayed for Emma. From the time Jack was 2 I was ready for God to give our family another child, and I DESPERATELY wanted a girl. My heart and arms ACHED for her. I knew in my heart God would give us another daughter one day and I prayed that when I found out I was pg last Dec. 17 that the baby growing inside of me would be the daughter I had been aching for. The day we found out Emma was a girl, I cried tears of joy. Emma had been growing in my heart for so long, that relief flooded my soul.

I knew Chad wanted a daughter and both boys wanted a sister. I knew Jacob would be wonderful with her, and Jack was very excited and liked other people's babies, but I wasn't sure how he'd be since he'd been the baby of the family for almost 4 yrs (although do NOT call him a baby...oh he doesn't like that! LOL). Jackson was MADE to be a big brother.

In my joy, grief was crepped in. I've ached for Jordyn more this year than in recent years. As I've distantly walked the path of fresh grief with my sweet Emily and so many emotions of once again having a daughter (some baby blues to go along with it), it's been emotional to say the least. My heart so often feels like it's going to explode with joy because of everything Emma has brought our family, yet there is those "what might have beens". I would NEVER wish Jordyn to be back here, she's in Heaven, painfree and with Jesus. But....what would life be like had she never had cancer or simply beat it the way we prayed she would and she'd be alive being the sister to 2 brothers and 1 sister. Would she be a mother hen, or more of an annoyed almost 10 yr old who's siblings drive her crazy? I will never have this answer.

I thank God for the blessings he's bestowed on me. I have so many, but 5 of them are the most precious. Chad, who loves me more than I deserve most days...who together we've made 4 of the most, if not the most beautiful children that's graced this earth. Jordyn, who made me a mother and showed me just how much living can be lived in a far too short of life of 2 yrs 1 month and 8 days. Jacob who showed me I really COULD love again, after my world had been ripped from my arms. Jackson who has made me laugh more than I think I've ever laughed at another human being. Last but definately not least...Emma. My sweet Emma Grace. She shares a middle name with Emily's girl, Miller Grace who's with Jordyn in Heaven. Although she's not truly named after Miller Grace, they have what I believe is a heart bond. Two momma's who love each other, shared pregnancies, and a connection to Heaven. Emma to me is God's grace. I definately have not deserved any of my children, yet over and over again he's given it to me and this time he gave it to me in a beautiful little blue eyed girl package, who's smile can light up a room, who's the "official" chapel baby of our post as our Battalion Chaplain likes to call her (she was the first of a string of babies born over the last part of this year). Is our family complete? I don't know, that's not up to me...it's up to God. I don't think it is, but I can tell you that Emma has brought something to our family that I didn't even realize was missing, so she's definately a part of the completion of our family if that makes any sense at all.

I pray you all had a wonderful and blessed Christmas. That your focus wasn't on what "Santa" brought you, but what GOD gave us. That we can remember that 2000 years ago probably frightened young girl gave birth to a KING. The King of ALL Kings...Jesus Christ. That a man watched a child who was not truly his son, being born, yet accepted the responsibility of raising him into the MAN who would one day give his own soul Salvation. How blessed are we to know that because God humbled himself and created himself to be a tiny baby...we have the comfort of tomorrow. I do not have to worry about Jordyn, I know she's safe in Christ's arms. Emily does not have to worry about Miller Grace, because she too is safe in Jesus's arms. I picture him up there rocking them back and forth, back and forth. Kissing the backs of their heads singing to them the most beautiful hymns. I see Jordyn resting her little head on his chest simply breathing him in, as I used to breath her in. Oh how blessed we are, how blessed we are.

Jack,Jacob, & Emma Christmas Eve

Chad showing off one of his gifts

Jacob

Jackson

Emma trying to tear into her package








Whisker's in Emma's toy basket









Her favorite place last night
she was playing with the balloon string

Do you ever?

Do you ever just feel like you have so much to say, but don't have the words to say it? My heart at times screams so loudly, but when it comes time to type it out or say it out loud, I can't find the words. That's where I'm at right now. So often I just want to say or do this or that, but the words just can't form. My heart is so often full, but to express those emotions is simply beyond me.

I know most likely it's God keeping me quiet. Telling me that what I have to say and should say are minimal and that I just need to be silent, pray, and be there. That's absolutely not what is natural for me, yet I'm learning that so often words are just not necessary. Often times I just need to be quiet, listen, read, pray, and let God take care of the rest.

My sweet Emily has a gift with words. God's given her that gift and he's allowing her to express a great deal of her grief, joys, emotions, etc through writing. I once felt I had that gift too...but not so much anymore. It seems to come here and there, but it's just far more seldom. It's where I'm at and it's not a bad place to be, just well annoying for someone who likes to talk about everything and who has an opinion about nearly everything. Lately God has shut my mouth and made me sit on my fingers a lot. Those of you who REALLY know me, know just how huge that is. I still say a lot, but there's a lot more I don't say.

I'm coming to appreciate the gift of just being silent or at least not so talkative. Of course I worry that others may think I'm not listening, but I am. I'm trying really hard to listen to God first and then deciphering everyone else after that. Tonight as I go to bed, I'm praising God for making me just listen. I've ignored him and talked over him on this subject for so long, it's about time I started listening to my father.

How Addicted to Blogging Are You?

I got this from Linda over at : MacDonald Clan


82%How Addicted to Blogging Are You?

The post before this was actually good so if you haven't go read it! :)

How God Works

God is awesome. Oh most if not all of us who are believers have said it once if not numerous times in our walk with him...yet when we see him doing things in our lives or others it's just well AWESOME, AMAZING, Breath-taking. Currently Emily is seeing him doing all sorts of things and although she's not blogged about it (or at least not yet) I won't talk about that, because it's not mine to share...either way just know God's moving people in Kentucky!

Now where's my awesome moments with God coming from then? Well Emily a few hours ago she asked me to pray for her as she went to do something. So I did and well during that prayer which he sooo took care of, as it was one of those immediate prayers, he convicted my butt so hard and so fast my head spun! The thing is...when you know you're doing something you're not supposed to and you even say those words outloud...but say or do it anyways, you KNOW God's going to get you. I just didn't expect him to get me so quickly! But...he did! I smile and rejoice in that though. The simple fact is that he loves me enough to correct me quickly and almost immediately in this case for my disobedience. To know that he loves me so much that he's ready to grab me up and discipline me. Just as I do my children, he does me...his child!

What an awesome God he is!

I truly appreciate his love through disciple. I think it's one of the ways he shows it that I can really appreciate the easiest as a mother. I often feel like I spend some days doing nothing but this, and I have no doubt God feels this way and definately on me.

I have praises going through my head as I type this. Thanking him for loving me so much. For not letting me get away with things. For shaking me when I need a good shaking, for giving my heart the what for, for shutting my mouth when it needs shut, stilling my fingers when they need stilled. Now the key is to listen to him when he tells me not to do or say things. That's where my free will really fights him. We're sinners by nature and well I admit it...there are times I want to sin. I want to gossip, say ugly things about someone, listen to gossip, etc. I know those are the biggest fights I have. So I ask that you pray for me on those. They're in my top five biggest strong holds and I don't want them to be a strong hold for me.

Giving these over to God and not taking them back....that's big. We all know it is. When it's a sin we partially don't want to give up. I think that's when you know it's really bad for you! Tonight when I go to bed/sleep I know what I'll be praying about.

I pray that you can recognize your strongholds, that you can give them to God, and not take them back! That's my prayer for you.

Awesome Original Christmas Cards

A friend of mine is VERY creative and this year instead of having a prefabricated Christmas card, we have a totally original one!

Her website is:

www.tiffanyallemand.com

Wait for her site to completely load up and click on "cards" ours is an example and my sweet friend Emily's is the other example. My best friend Tami has had Tiffany make her one and I know of a few other friends who are having Tiffany make them one too! She does an awesome job and will do everything she can until you're 100% happy with how it turns out!

She's also making one of my Christmas gifts (yes I know about it!!) I'm getting a Wall Collage. My mom and mil are also getting one! So if you're looking for a good and original Christmas gift idea...Tiffany has them!

Ok this mini advertisement is over! ROFL!!

Updated

So I updated the page and well honestly not all that thrilled with it, but after having to read do all the links, pictures, graphics it's just staying this way for a month or two. I am SURE there's an easy way to save the links so I don't have to go in and put them all in again (I could handle the pictures). I can understand html a tiny, itty, bitty bit...but even after I TRIED it wasn't working...so I had to redo all of it and this is what we get! I actually like the "His Name Is Jesus" (which is at the VERY bottom if you haven't noticed) but not feeling the "Gold" but oh well. Again...it is what it is and since I have no talent ultimately in the html department it's stuck this way for a while. I'm just glad there are more options now with pyzam, now if only they'd make it so they didn't lose all your widgets everytime...that'd be really nice! :)

Emma on Thanksgiving (chilling in our friends

little stroller so we could at least make our

plates! Trust me she wasn't staying in there

anylonger than that!)

So Thanksgiving was wonderful. We spent it with friends of ours B&T. T is home for R&R right now and what a blessing. Because of his job, he has a beard and rather long hair...although today he was supposed to shave and cut his hair back to a good ol' military cut, he has to get his DA photo taken. Not sure if he was going to do that (the pic) or not because they were heading down to Edelweiss today for the week. Anyways...B made the turkey, mashed potatoes, sweet potatoe casserole (which I did not taste and No Kelly I didn't have to either! Bobbie confirmed it was GROSS and deamed me SMART for NOT trying it! ROFL), pumpkin pies, & corn. I made a turkey here at home so Chad could have his left overs that he desperately wanted and I could have the broth (sorry the canned stuff just doesn't cut it!)..I used the broth for my bread stuffing that I make from scratch (my mom's recipe), home made noodles, homemade bread, greenbean casserole, and choc. pies (2). Dinner was GREAT!!!! We all ate too much of course, a lot of laughing. We then played Spades and Sequence (my favorite card and board games!!). We got home a few minutes after 9 after helping B clean up everything, and the boys helping clean up the bedroom.

Friday we headed to Rothenburg (pronounced wrote-n-burg). It's a beautiful city! The old city is still surrounded by a Wall and multiple towers throughout the wall. It's just absolutely wonderful. It's a definate tourist attraction and the two times I've been there, both times I've met American's who are simply over here for vacation. It's definately a must see! (The bold words are linked!) We got checked into our hotel and found that we had probably the best room there! We were in the front and had a balcony that had a perfect backdrop of one of the towers and part of the wall! Our room was huge too, which of course I forgot to take pictures of the room go figure! Friday it was raining, but that didn't stop us. B&T was there too and so we all ventured out and headed to the old town and towards the shopping district! B bought a couple things, but I just looked to get idea's. That evening we had dinner back at the hotel with the rest of the group from the chapel that went with us (oh I forgot to explain our Chaplain wanted to do something for us 20% who does most of the volunteer work at the chapel..so they got us hotel rooms, dinner, and breakfast and then the rest of the time was ours to do as we wished!). Dinner was GREAT! We did a little game of charades and then we all went back to our rooms. B&T's son came to our room for a bit and then they and their daughter came over for a couple hours and just hung out and talked. Saturday morning we went to breakfast, checked out of the hotel, and off to shopping we went! B& I and our girls went one way while all the guys went and walked the wall and then did their own thing and we then met up after that, had lunch, and headed home! I did find a few Christmas presents on Saturday. Got my best friend something (she reads this so I can't say what it is!!), got my Grandpa and his wife (who I adore) a birdhouse (they collect them). Got my best friends 6 yr old son A a nutcracker, he loves them! This one is really old. I do need to clean him up a bit, but it was an awesome find! Got Emma a Boy and Girl Porclein German dolls (note to self need to get them for Emily's girls...birthday presents??!! Remind me Emily!) Chad got me something. Oh B also got me a Snowman picture frame (has 4 small frames so I can put a picture of each of my children in it!! Wahoo! Oh I love snowmen btw!

The boys on the balcony of our room

with the wall and tower in the bkgd

The boys with a knight outside a store

in Rothenburg

We headed home after lunch and then went to a bon fire that the chapel and Hospitality House was hosting. We roasted hotdogs, brats, and had smores! There was hot chocolate (which was sooo good), Apple Cider which was homemade (Chad said it was the best he ever had..I never ended up drinking any darn it), baked beans (I don't like them so I didn't eat them!). The kids played and had a great time. We just fellowshipped and had a wonderful time. We ended up singing hymns, Christian songs, and a few Christmas songs. It was so nice. We're truly blessed with the people we're surrounded by!

So that's about it! Oh Emma! Little Miss Emma decided to learn how to roll over last Tuesday. Daddy got home last Tuesday after being out in the field for 3 weeks. She was working her way to rolling over, but would get caught her that pesky arm that got in the way...well Daddy showed her ONE time how to move that and that's all it took. There's been no stopping her since then. Everytime I turn around she's rolling over. She's rolling from her back to her stomach, although once I've caught her roll back to her back. I'm not ready for her to start doing this. Oh and Sunday at church while my friend A took our family picture, well before she took the picture she put Emma down and was saying "ok now crawl" I told her to shut her mouth! She's not even 4 months and I'm in absolutely NO RUSH for her to be mobile. She needs to just remain a helpless baby for a while longer imo!

Miss Emma on Sunday after church

The boys are doing great! Growing too fast, are too smart for their own good, and both are REALLY happy Daddy's home!

Resting in the Lord

Isn't it easy to get so caught up in life that we forget to just sit up and enjoy the moment? I am guilty of this just as anyone...but when I do remember to just stop, shut up, and be quiet...those moments are so precious. I so often get so busy that I almost miss that these days are fleeting and in a blink of an eye my babies are not going to be babies anymore. Reality is Jacob truly isn't. He's closing in on 7 yrs old and I am not sure how that happened. I'm thankful it has, trust me...having a child captured at an age forever well it sucks. I know ugly word, but it does. It does seem like just yesterday Jacob was born and now here we are over 6 yrs later and he's turned into such a wonderful little boy. Then Jackson. When we moved here to Germany he wasn't even 2 yet...he was CLOSE, but he wasn't yet! Now some how he's turned into this 4 yr old that cracks me up often, makes me feel like I'm going to lose all my hair because of, and has such a tender heart (so got that from me!). Today during church he climbed into my lap and just cuddled with me. He placed his head under my chin and just rested. He knows he has a safe place to go to.

Sitting here this evening thinking about Jack climbing in my lap during church made me think, that's how we should be with Jesus. We should always feel like we can simply crawl into his lap and rest there. So often we get into the busyness (yes..being BUSY) in Christ, that we forget to REST in him. How many of us are attending church, bible study, helping in other area's of church...being it Praise Team/Choir, Children's ministry, etc....being busy in the name of Christ is EASY. My goodness it's so easy! But to be resting in Christ...well that for me is a bigger struggle. I have to truly remind myself to rest in him. That I can just be silent, sit still, close my eyes, focus on him. So often I should be reading his word and just being still, letting his words do the work, letting him do what he will do and me just accepting it, live it, and rest in him. How often do we truly rest in the Lord?

What joy we can have when we just stop doing all the time. I'm not saying not to do things within the church, for Christ, etc...trust me just the opposite (we need MORE people to be stepping up). But, I know for me how important it is to simply be with the Lord. I don't do it very often. Trust me that's quite humbling to type out, but it's the truth. I must make it a priority to just sit and be still. I need to shut up more, and listen harder.

I have a feeling I'm not alone there.

"Lord, please forgive me for getting so busy "doing" your work, that I forget to be your work. Lord you are my soft place to fall, my safe place to rest. Lord I need to remember that I need to rest in you so that I can be rejuivinated to do your work that you call me to do. There is no greater joy that to be in your presence Lord. I thank you for not only allowing me to share you with others, but that I can simply keep you to myself at times as well. Lord you are oh so Holy and I praise you. In your precious name. Amen"

Seeing in My Heart

If you could look into my heart you'd see a woman who's been wounded many times, but with the Grace of God, healed. If you could see in my heart, you'd see many things that have went untold, except to God. If you could see into my heart you'd see tears dropped and wiped away with the gentleness of Christ's hand.

If you could see into my heart you'd see the love of a wife who wants to be a truly Godly wife. To respect her husband and never show anything less to him. You'd see a wife who's said hurtful and ugly things to this man, but see a heart who's been forgiven by that man.

If you could see in my heart you'd see a mother who wants nothing more than to raise Godly children, bring them up in love, kindness, gentleness, and discipline. You'd see a mom who feels so often that she's failin in all those aspects...yet amazingly has loving, kind, gentle, pretty well deisciplined children and that heart knows it's nothing short of the Grace of God.

Today as I listen to my boys giggle watching Spirit, knowing how much spirit they have in themselves makes me smile. I hear Emma cooing to her little "friends" on her playmat, as she moves herself all around, wiggled out of her tiny little jeans (yes she did!!), and is making her way off her mat and onto the hardwood floor!

Right now there's such joy in my heart I can't even tell you.
You see my hearts been broken, torn, and ripped apart...but it then gets healed by God. He's at times gentle and at times in my face. He knows just what I need to "Get it" each day and at times different times of the day. He's my father and when I need to be disciplined he does it...righteously, effectively, but full of love none the less. When I'm broken and falling on my face in grief...he gently lifts me up and rocks me in his strong , capable, and soft arms. He wispers reassurance and promises to me and lets me know that I indeed will see the light if I just look to him.

How a single person can get through this life without him is simply beyond my comprehension. I've lived the worst nightmare of every parent. I've watched my child die. I've buried her in the ground, and I've survived to tell about it. Could God have saved her and allowed her to live...absolutely...but he didn't. Do I understand his reasoning, no..do I accept it and realize it's all for his Glory and that ultimately she's just where she's meant to be. Do I realize that she lived on this earth the perfect amount of time to fullfil her life? Yes, yes, YES. Does it humble me to my knee's to know that Jordyn was able to accomplish all of her life's accomplishments in just 2 yrs 1 month and 8 days. Absolutely....especially when I look at myself and feel that I'm so far from still accomplishing all that God has set out for me to do so far in my 30 yrs. Why some can accomplish things in 5 days or 2 yrs vs 80 or 90 yrs I don't know. What I do know is this...God knows and that's all I need to worry about. God see's each and everyone of our hearts...those who believe and are doing their best to follow him and those who aren't.

To that I'm grateful.

Today I'm thankful for My God. For his sacrifice for me on the cross 2000 years ago.

Jacob

I don't get a lot of one on one time with Jacob. Tonight I sent Jack to bed a little early (because he was so tired and simply needed to go to bed). Jacob came out to the living room and got in the chair with me and we sat watching tv and talking. He had me cracking up. We talked about us having one on one time and it's something I am going to try to do at least once a week or every other week. He said "I don't mind Emma being with us since she needs you, but no Jackson." I can understand that. I was the older sibling growing up and time alone was rare, especially when we were younger.

Jacob and I sat there for an hour just laughing and talking and enjoying our time. He's such a great kid. He's funny, he's honest, he LOVES Jesus, he's got such a kind heart, he's truly a blessing. I know all these things, but I don't always acknowledge them to him and tonight I did. When he went to bed he went with a smile and a thank you. I felt great, but sad too...that I've done such a poor job at making sure I get that one on one time with him over the last year especially. It's now a priority. He's closing in on 7 yrs old and although that's not that old...in 11 yrs he'll be 18 and preparing to head off to college or the military and I don't want these years lost. I want to KNOW him and have a close relationship with him. I want this relationship to be able to transition from parent/child (what it is now and will be for the next 11 yrs) to parent/friend when he does become a man/adult.

If I can't be the mother who's there when he needs to talk, open arms to fall in, laughter to his jokes...then I'm a failure as a mom to this child and I REFUSE to fail him. He deserves the best of me. I do feel like Chad and I have done a great job with him so far, but we still have a lot of work ahead of us and I take that seriously. This is the job that God placed me here on this earth to be. My priority after God and Chad is my children and Chad and the kids rotate at times in who comes first. No amount of money, alone time, etc is worth missing these moments. I'm blessed that God called our family to Homeschool. I'm blessed that God called me and told Chad I'm to be a SAHM. I have to be more diligent though on seeing each child as an individual. To make sure that we have that quiet time together. That we have moments of laughter one on one, etc. If I can't do that...then what AM I doing? Nothing nearly as important that's for sure!

Tonight...I'm thankful for Jacob. For my 1st born son/2nd child. I'm thankful for his laughter, his tender heart, his love for Christ, his honesty, his love, for HIM. I praise God that he made Jacob just as he is. That he has a smile that is true and not forced. That he has eyes that see more than what's just on the outside. I look at him and know God's got GREAT plans for this boy. It's exciting to me. I look forward to seeing him age and develop and become the young man and man that God is molding him to be!

I pray that I will not do anything that will harm him. That I will be the mother God wants me to be to Jacob, so Jacob can grow to be the man God has designed him to be.

Praise

Tonight I got to talk to my sister in law (sil) for a couple of hours. Her and my brother both beleive Christ is our Lord and Savior, but have never truly been walking with him, seeking him in their daily lives, or teaching their girls about him. She was not raised in the church and my brother and I were not really either. She said that lately her and my brother have been talking and have felt for quite some time that something is missing in their lives and they both know it's God and walking and living the life HE desires for them vs the life they have been living.

She said they want to go to church and I encouraged her to call the local churches and find out what they offer, what their stance is on things, etc. She's also planning on getting the girls involved in the local AWANA program which thrills me as well!

I shared more of my testimony with her, my thoughts, and feelings, etc. I also told her that I'd been praying for her and my brother for years to get to this point. As so many of you know you have to often hit rock bottom before you realize there is a way to climb out and they want to climb! My brother is having some serious health issue's and I did not realize the extent of them. He's lost 25 lbs in the last few months which for say someone like me would be an AWESOME blessing...for my brother not so much. He's 6'2 I believe and a few months ago weighed 175, he's now down to 150 and she said he's still losing. She said he has dark circles under his eyes, his face is sucken in. He has a dx of the illness, I'm drawing a blank on the exact term right now, but it's with his colon. He's 29 yrs old. He works his butt off (he's a very hard worker) he's also going to college at night to become an EMT and I believe he told me the other day when we talked that in the spring he's going to start classes for nursing, his goal is to become a doctor. Now if you knew my brother in high school you'd be stunned by this. He HATED school...but he's older and wiser and wants a better life for himself and his family and I fully support him. My sil is about to graduate with her Associates in May and then will be going for her Bachelors after that for social work. Please be in prayer for them over school and health.

Back to their walk with Christ. The desire is there for my sil. It's just truly such a blessing. I think any of us who are walking with Christ knows this, and to know she's so close...so close! She admitted she's scared and I think that's understandable, but I told her that once she does it she's going to see just how much scarier it is to have been on that "otherside". To live a life with Hope vs without....it's such a huge difference. To know that even in the worst of everything that at the end of the day we have the Hope in Christ. That he will always be there to catch us, that we're never truly alone, that we're always loved unconditionally which is completely impossible for any human being to do. It's such a blessing!

I ask that each of you pray for my brother and his wife as they give their lives over to Christ. I warned her that Satan will be attacking them from every direction and she said she feels he is already and I assured her it's because he SEE's them going towards God and he does not want that, and told her to keep her eyes focused on Jesus and that once she's in his Grasps, Satan can not get her...he'll attack her and TRY to reclaim her, but the only way he could is if she went to him willingly...that otherwise God will NOT let her go.

I'm about to head to bed, with such joy in my heart tonight!

God Bless

Halloween's Over, Here Comes....

******Just a note....pictures at the bottom*****************





Halloween is over and we're now looking forward to Thanksgiving my 2nd favorite holiday right after Christmas. I love having a day that's set aside to remember just how blessed we are and how much we have to be thankful for. Our family truly has so much to be thankful for, and far too often I forget that.





I am so blessed to have a husband who loves me as unconditionally as a person can love another person. He puts up with a very moody woman, who at times can go from one extreme to the next in 5 seconds flat. He's given me 4 beautiful, precious children. He's a man who's after God's own heart and that is the biggest blessing of all. Our children see that and that will be one of the biggest influences in their own Christian walk.





This year we'll be celebrating the Holiday with our friends. The husband's currently deployed, but will be home for Thanksgiving, or should be anyways and he's requested that we be there! It's awesome! She's over here a lot and I just love her. She's definately the best friend I have here and I just love spending time with her. I love their kids, and Chad and her husband get along great...when they're oh both in the same country! LOL For Christmas he'll be back to his deployment so she and the kids will be coming here to our home. I'm so thankful to have friends that we can open our home to when the spouse is gone or even home to just have those kinds of friends. We ARE blessed.





I'm so thankful that I am able to homeschool my children. To know that I don't have to send them off to brick and mortar buildings 5 days a week, to have another person, a virtual stranger teach my children things that I'm more than capable of teaching them. To know that I was the first person to hear them read their first words, first sentence, first paragraph and so on. I know it's not for every family, but it is for ours and because of that I praise God we're Americans and have this privilege (and yes it's most definately a privilege).





Most of all I'm thankful for Christ. That he died for my sins. That he humbled himself to be a child of a virgin girl who was not much more than a child herself when she became his mother. That he saw it fit to love ME even though I'm full of sin and ugliness at times. He willingly died on the cross for ME. How humbling when we get down to the nitty gritty and really think of just what he did for us. How many of us would even be willing to CONSIDER being crusifide but less actually doing it? I can say that I wouldn't. Just the thought of it is too much for me. How blessed we are to have a Savior such as he.





I don't see myself coming here everyday, but for the month of November and December everytime I do post, I will be listing at least 3 things I'm thankful for!





God Bless







Jacob, Emma, and Jackson
The boys were both Peter from Narnia
Emma was a Princess

This is Love



My Princes



My Princess (tired in Daddy's arms)

The Ballet and Leaves Changing

Well Emma and I saw Sleeping Beauty for the Ballet and it was beautiful, amazing, and just spectacular! Truly those dancers were so talented it goes beyond words! The lead girl got up on her very tip toes multiple times. I've never been a dancer, but I know from having one of my best friends growing up that it's extremely difficult even with the special shoes. The poses they did was just well no doubt painful, yet they did it with such ease and grace!

Here's 2 pictures of Emma and I (we of course were not allowed to take pictures OF the ballet)...

Saturday we went and took a hike and looked at all the leaves in all their glory! Truly it's like God just paints our world with the beautiful colors! It was a great hike, we went up what I like to call a mini mountain, ok so it wasn't a mountain, but man that hill was far up and steep! Once up there it was totally worth the climb though! We walked through the woods down a path. It was really beautiful! After we came back, had lunch, and our boys went home with a friend because later they were having a sleep over at another friends house, Chad, Emma, and I headed to Graf to the new PX. On the way there the leaves were stunning as well! I made Chad pull over so I could take a couple pictures!

These were taken on our walk

Chad and I looking at Emma Our family with again our friends girl

(Our friends daughter on Chad's back)

On our way to Graf

A few pictures from the last 2 days

God's Splendor






Jack and Jacob



Me and Emma at the Ballet
Chad and Me looking at Emma
with our friends girl hanging out on Chad's back

Going to the Ballet

Tonight Emma and I are going to the Russian Ballet. It's here in town and I'm really excited. A group of us from the Hospitality House and Chapel are going! It's starts tonight at 1900 (7 pm). Chad and the boys will be going to regular Friday night Hospitality House. Tonight for the HH is pizza, so Chad's making a pizza once he gets home and he'll feed the boys while I'm getting ready.

Tomorrow in the morning we're going on a Fall Colors walk with the Hospitality House and then my friend Bobbie is taking the boys to her place while Chad and I go over to Graf to the new PX and do some Christmas shopping for the kids!! :) That evening the boys and Bobbie's son are going to another friends place to have a sleepover. That friends oldest son just had a birthday and this is his "party" a sleepover. Jack's going too because she thought it'd be nice for her youngest son who's also 4 to have a friend to play with and Jack and her son love each other!

Sunday we have chapel and when we get home I have to start some laundry and then we have AWANA. I'm the Sparks Director again. This week I'll be the Sec. too since mine will not be there. I have to meet with my leaders at 4:00 to go over any questions they have and go over a few things that we need to address from last week. I have some really great leaders, it's just 3 of thems first time ever helping with Awana so we just have to cover some basic things and then if they have any questions or concerns they can ask me.

So...today I had just changed Emma's diaper and was throwing it away. I'd left her on her changing pad (on the living room floor) and Jack decided to "play" with Emma and was pulling her around on her changing pad (yes I know...nothing good comes from a 4 yr old pulling his 12 week old sister around)...so I hear Emma SCREAMING this horrible high pitched, I'm in pain scream and I go in and she's under our chair and I run in there and I get her head out from under it and notice her right hand isn't coming, I gently tug it and feel it's stuck, I feel more and it's her index finger, it was stuck on a staple. I'm trying to stay as calm as possible. Jack's screaming and I yell for Jacob to come help me. I lift Emma and he lifts the chair (it's on gliders so easy to pull back thankfully) and I have to just pull her tiny little finger off the staple. Tons of blood of course. I was almost in tears, yelled at Jackson who's sobbing, run Emma to the bathroom, wash her finger, get antibiotic ointment and a bandaid and bandage her tiny finger up. I started to nurse her and have Jack climb up with me and he's still just sobbing his little heart out, saying how he's sorry he didn't mean to hurt Emma. We talk about how Emma's not a toy, she's a person and that he could have hurt her even more than she already got hurt. I told him to tell her he was sorry, which he did with crocadile tears running down his little face and he gave her a kiss. When Chad got home we had to put another bandaid on her because she'd bled through the first one, which she screamed through and made Jack cry all over again and this time Jacob got teary eyed as well. They just can't handle their sister being in pain.

All's good in Emma's world now and the boys are good now too. Jack's playing knights in the playroom, Jacob's in the dining room drawing, and Emma's laying on me filling her pants! :)

Oh and today Emma's 12 weeks old. Time has just flown by with her and I wish it wouldn't. I'd love for it to just slow down a little. She's starting to really coo and laugh at us now and although not purposely batting at this (which is how her finger got caught on the staple). She definately loves her Momma too ;)...if someone else is holding her and I'm near by she's leaning towards me, turning her head to find me. I have to say I LOVE IT!!!

Well I need to get into the shower and get dressed for the ballet and need to change Emma as well. I'll probably just have her shower with me! It's just easier that way!

Emma smiling!

Jackson and Jacob being goof balls

My gifts

Seeing the Sun

I'm seeing the sun again in all ways! I still know there's going to be bumps, curves, and complete detours at times but I'm out of this funk for the most part. Still aware of what could happen, but just happy things are going better for me right now and really that's all I can do. Praise God for the good he's bringing me now. I can say this, I can't imagine how anyone gets through trials without him, I truly ache for them. Without Christ you have nothing. It's that simple..with him there's hope, without him there is none.

I was reading another blog and they had this song posted on there and I thought...oh that's so perfect for me right now! I love this song and hadn't heard it in a while!!

PRAISE YOU IN THE DANCE
I will sing to the Lord, I will lift my voice, for you have heard my cry.
I will sing to the Lord and I will lift my hands, for you have brought me out of the pit.
For you have brought me out of the pit.
CHORUS
I'll sing glory, halleluiah, I lift Your name on high
I'll sing holy, 'cause You're worthy.
I'll praise you in the dance.
And I'll sing glory, halleluiah, I life Your name on high.
I'll sing holy, 'case You're worthy.
I'll praise You with the dance.
I will praise You with the dance. 2x
I will sing to the Lord and I will lift my voice,
for You have heard my cry.
I will sing to the Lord and I will lift my hands,
for You have brought me out of the pit,
for You have brought me out of the pit.
REPEAT CHORUS


*********i wanted to add a video but my internet is going so slow.....it's by Casting Crowns so feel free to take a listen if you can't quite put your finger on the song/tune!*************

More Fun in Getting Real

Ok so please make sure you read the devotional after I'm done. I have felt very alone lately. I'm surrounded by people here at home obviously as well as friends here and friends in the states and family who a part of me knows they love me, but yet I just don't know why. I am seeing that I don't even love myself, so how can anyone else love me? I truly feel unlovable. I also feel like I don't even know who I am. I feel completely lost in myself and it seems rediculous.
Tonight I just couldn't take it anymore and left for a little while. I drove around post and found myself at the post lake. I walked around there for a while, and then sat on the bench and just cried and talked to Jesus. I don't see my purpose. I don't feel much of anything, and oh I miss Jordyn so much. I keep thinking it shouldn't hurt this bad still. I keep thinking how it wasn't hurting this bad, but in the last couple of weeks it just surrounds my thoughts.

When I did come home, Chad was finishing up dinner which I left just barely started, the boys were working on the playroom (with Chad) and Emma was crying, because Chad didn't bother to check her diaper (she's in cloth diapers and was VERY wet). I changed her, nursed her, put her into her PJ's, and just held her and cried with her.

I don't write this for sympathy, just being honest here. It's not going to be all lovey dovey anymore. I don't have lovey dovey going on in me not right now anyways.
So take a look at this devotion and see how perfect it was for me today.



October 8, 2007
When We Don't Understand
Sharon Jaynes


Today's Truth
"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11

Friend to Friend
My son, Steven, was four-years-old when he contracted a severe case of the flu. He looked up at me with hollow eyes and slumped like a rag doll in my lap. When I took my limp little one to the doctor, he quickly surmised that Steven was dehydrated and needed to be admitted into the hospital immediately.

My heart broke as nurses strapped my baby boy onto a table and began to place IVs into his tiny arms. "Mommy, Mommy, help me," he cried. "They're hurting me! Make them stop!"

"No, honey," I tried to reassure him with tears that matched his own. "They're not trying to hurt you. They are going to make you all better."

He cried. I cried. The nurses cried.

Standing there, I could only imagine what was going through Steven's little mind: Why are these people hurting me. Why doesn't Mommy make them stop? She must not love me. She's not protecting me. If she loved me, she wouldn't let this happen. She must not care about me?

Then I had an extraordinary moment with God as He began to give me a glimpse into how He feels when I am going through a painful time that is for my benefit, but I can't understand. I cry out, "I thought you love me? Why have you deserted me? Why don't You make it stop!" But God allows the painful remedy to do its work. To me it may feel like God doesn't care, but to God, He knows that the temporary pain is necessary to make me whole.

If you are going through a difficult time right now -- a circumstance that you don't understand -- know that your Heavenly Father is right by your side. He loves you dearly and sometimes allows pain because it is the best remedy for our ultimate good.

Let's Pray
Dear Heavenly Father, I am so glad that You will never leave me. I'll admit that sometimes I whine, even cry, because I don't understand why You allow certain things to happen in my life. But I know that You are Sovereign and nothing happens by chance in the life of your children. You are shaping and molding me into the woman that You desire me to be. I trust You and Your ways even when I don't understand.
In Jesus' Name,
Amen

Now It's Your Turn
What went through your mind as I was talking about Steven lying on that treatment table?

Have you ever felt toward God the way that Steven was feeling toward me?

Do you think God hurts when we have to go through painful situations? Let's don't guess. Read John 11:35. How did Jesus feel when He saw the pain his friends were going through?

More from the Girlfriends
Pain is sometimes hard to understand. C.S. Lewis said that "God whispers in our pleasures but shouts in our pain." If you would like to learn more about how God teaches us through difficulties in life, see Sharon Jaynes' book, Your Scars are Beautiful to God. Pain is never without purpose. Let's don't waste our sorrows but use them to minister to a hurting world.

Seeking God?
Click here to find out more about having a personal relationship with Jesus Christ.

Girlfriends in God
P.O. Box 725
Matthews, NC 28106
www.girlfriendsingod.com




Click here to learn more about hosting a Girlfriends in God conference in your area.

Searching for words

I'm searching for words to write here. I've attempted 3 times so far, but they're not the right words. So I just ask for prayer. I don't feel quite as numb, but it's still got a nice strong grip on me, I''m not in denial there at all.

I need and must get some sleep, I'm falling asleep here.

Devotional

This devotion struck a cord with me today. I'm struggling right now over many things, read the previous entry to get an idea. Sometimes I put on a front that everything's alright, that I'm "good", that nothing is wrong. The fact is though...even when we are doing all we can to be in God's will, we still have days where we need to be uplifted by others, we need encouragement, we need extra love, compassion, and care.
Just on a side note, I got this devotional from Girlfriend's In God Daily Women's Devotional, all the info you need to get your daily devotion should be linked at the bottom. I highly recommend it, so often these devotions are nothing less but God sent directly to my heart.


October 4, 2007
Believers Need Encouraging Too!
Sharon Jaynes


Today's Truth
"So then, as occasion and opportunity open to us, let us do good to all people, (not only being useful or profitable to them, but also doing what is for their spiritual good advantage). Be mindful to be a blessing, especially to those of the household of faith, those who belong to God's family with you, the believers" (Galatians 6:10 AMP emphasis added).

Friend to Friend
When I think of Paul, I tend to think of a stoic stern rock of a man that is neither swayed nor deterred from the course at hand. I see him needing no one other than Christ Himself. But that was not true! Paul needed the encouragement of other believers. He longed for the words of fellow Christians to cheer him on while spreading the gospel.
Ponder these words he penned to the Corinthian church:
"For when we came into Macedonia, this body of ours had no rest, but we were harassed at every turn -- conflicts on the outside, fears within. But God who comforts the downcast, comforted us by the coming of Titus, and not only by his coming but also by the comfort you had given him. He told us about your longing for me, your deep sorrow, your ardent concern for me, so that my joy was greater than ever" (2 Corinthians 7:5-7 emphasis added).
What was Paul feeling at this time? Conflicts on the outside and fears on the inside. Yes, that mighty man of God who said, "I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength" also struggled with fear, discouragement and inner turmoil.

Paul was a spiritually confident man! He wrote: "We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed" (2 Corinthians 4:8). "Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall trouble or hardship or persecution or famine or nakedness or danger or sword? No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us" (Romans 8:37). Paul believed these words with all of his heart, and yet, he still needed the words of fellow believers to encourage him to press on.

Even as I write these words, I am struck with just how much fellow Christians need encouraging words to continue in the faith. It is easy to say, "Well, God should be enough. People should find their strength in Christ." Yes, Christ is enough for salvation. However, God has placed us in a Body. He called us the Body of Christ because we are dependent on each other to function well, to love well, and to struggle well.

Let's Pray
Dear Lord, show me a Christian that needs encouragement today. May I never, never withhold praise and appreciation for any fellow believer when it is within my power to give them the boost they need. May I be like Elizabeth who encouraged her cousin Mary, the mother of Jesus, the very moment she walked in the door of her home.
In Jesus' Name,
Amen

Now it's Your Turn
When is the last time someone in the church thanked you for a job well done? How did it make you feel?

When is the last time you thanked someone in your church for all their hard work in leading worship, teaching children, sharpening the pencils in the pews, etc.?

What does God want you to do in response to this devotion?

More from the Girlfriends
Sometimes we forget just how much people need encouragement. It is easy to think that spiritually mature people don't need it....we're wrong. They do! If you would like to learn how to become known as an encourager in your church, see Sharon's book, The Power of a Woman's Words. Also, consider The Power of a Woman's Words Bible Study for your next Bible study group!


Seeking God?
Click here to find out more about having a personal relationship with Jesus Christ.


Girlfriends in God
P.O. Box 725
Matthews, NC 28106
www.girlfriendsingod.com


Click here to learn more about hosting a Girlfriends in God conference in your area.

Praise You In This Storm

So I may not be quite in a storm, but I hear the thunder rumbling right now and this is a great reminder of what I need to be doing every day...

Praise You in This Storm

words by Mark Hall/music by Mark Hall and Bernie Herms

I was sure by now,God, that You would have reached down
and wiped our tears away,
stepped in and saved the day.
But once again, I say amen
and it's still raining
as the thunder rolls
I barely hear You whisper through the rain,
"I'm with you"
and as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise
the God who gives and takes away.

Chorus:
And I'll praise you in this storm
and I will lift my hands
for You are who You are
no matter where I am
and every tear I've cried
You hold in your hand
You never left my side
and though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm

I remember when I stumbled in the wind
You heard my cry to You
and raised me up again
my strength is almost gone how can I carry on
if I can't find You
and as the thunder rolls
I barely hear You whisper through the rain
"I'm with you"
and as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise
the God who gives and takes away

Chorus

I lift my eyes onto the hills
where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord, the maker of heaven and earth
I lift my eyes onto the hills
where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord, the maker of heaven and earth

Chorus

Being Real

I've been feeling rather numb lately. I have every reason to feel so happy and I have joy in me...I have Jesus as my savior, a husband who loves me, beautiful children, yet my heart still aches. If I'm going to be real on here well here it is. Sometimes the pain of losing Jordyn to Heaven is so overwhelming. I just struggle to breath at times. I know she's in better hands. I know she's with Jesus and honestly I'd never take that from her, she's where we all long to be one day....at the feet of Jesus.

Some of you know how much I ached to have another daughter, my arms ached for her. God graced us with Emma Grace almost 2 months ago and I can't even find the words most days to tell anyone how much I love this little girl. I don't love her more than my other children, I just love her differently, just as I love each of my kids different. Maybe I thought she'd fill that empty spot in my heart. I know how rediculous, you'd think after 7 1/2 yrs and 2 boys before her, I'd have KNOWN. The problem is, I didn't even REALIZE it, that there was a longing for this hole to be filled. I know oh I know Jesus can fill any hole in my life, the thing that I'm realizing is that he's leaving it open, wide open for a reason. I'm supposed to depend on him MORE to fill me up, and well I need that hole to keep me grounded. I guess I need this hole to be reminded just how precious life is, how fast it can be taken away from you, no matter HOW MUCH you love.

I'll even admit more. I'm scared like I've not been scared in a very long time. So scared that God will find it his will to once again take my daughter from me and take her home to Heaven. I'm terrified of that. I sit here knowing the reality is, he most likely won't..yet I cling to Emma with a fear that I can't quiet and I know it's Satan. He wants me to focus more on her and the boys than Jesus...well he found my weakness and I'm struggling with it.


Today I witnessed 5 children dedicate their lives to Jesus. I watched them literally take the plunge and be baptised. It was beautiful, it was precious, and I got to watch those sweet children profess their love for Jesus and desire to walk the path he has set out for them. I looked at Jacob who was there to witness it as well and thought of how I can't wait for him and his siblings to give their lives over to Christ fully and completely, and I found my thoughts going to Jordyn. How she loved him like I've never seen another love Jesus at her sweet and tender age throughout her sweet little, short life of 2 yrs 1 month and 8 days. She KNEW Jesus and she was ready and willing to go home to him, even as my heart screamed NO. I wish I could say I was as peaceful and joyful over her leaving my arms for Jesus's, but if I did I'd be lying. I begged her to come back to me when she took her last breath. I sat there rocking her sweet little body, begging her to please just come back to me for a little while longer. I didn't want God to have her just yet. I hadn't had enough time with her. The fact is, and I know this now without a doubt, no amount of time would have been long enough, when it came to me out living her.

I know this probably makes no sense. I'm tired, I'm sad, I'm aching and most of all I just feel numb to a point. I'm struggling to be me.

If I can tell you one thing about grief...it's that it doesn't stop not completely. I have lots of great days, but I sit here right now crying because I miss Jordyn so much, it just hurts. I would love to hold her in my arms again, to smell her sweet head, to run my finger over her face, and kiss it. I see it more clearly now than ever..Emma is NOT a replacement for Jordyn. She's not a cure all for my broken heart. She's Emma Grace...nothing more and nothing less. She has a new part of my heart that didn't exist before she was created.

It's time for me to be real with myself. It's not going to be pretty.

If You're a Mom, even if you're not!

Need a Cure Now

I get the Candlelighter's newsletter and emails and this came today....take a look it's 3 minutes of your life, you waste a lot more looking at junk...this could actually save a child's life and maybe another mother will not have to walk this path I'm on and will be on the rest of my life.....








Just a reminder of what's been lost, what could have been if there WAS a cure...

Praises for Jillian!

I'm not sure if I'd shared Jillian here so I'm going to give a little history of how I know her and her family! When Jordyn was dx and we moved back to the states for Jordyn to be treated (tx) at Walter Reed we were living at the Ronald McDonald House. There Barbara the house manager told me about listserv which has group after group of different support groups online for those battling cancers of all sorts (and many other diseases). On one of them I believe it was the AML board I met Jessica. Mom of twin girls (and a son) who both had AML leukemia. Jillian was in remission when we met and Jade was fighting like Jordyn. Jordyn and Jade had their BMT's just a day apart. Jade relapsed quickly after her BMT and Feb 4, 2000 went home to Heaven. When I called Jessica because Jordyn had relapsed I didn't know Jade had died. Jessica let me cry, share my fears, etc even in her own grief. Jillian did relapse, had a BMT (bone marrow transplant), relapsed again....and then a few months ago she was dx with a whole other cancer, osteosarcoma, which is a cancer in her leg. The Osteo is a whole other diagnosis, it's a completely seperate cancer...so they still count her bone marrow transplant as a success and they just found out that she's still 100% donor, which is FABULOUS news!! One of these days our families will meet in person.

In the mean time I keep up with them online, pray for them, love them. I hope you'll go and visit Jillian and pray for her, celebrate the victories, etc.
www.caringbridge.org/visit/joyfuljillian