Monday, March 29, 2010

Accomplishments and dread

I'll start off with the dread part. tomorrow, which here in Germany is in just 10 short minutes will be Jordyn's 12 birthday. If you've never lost a child I am sure it's hard to understand the emotions that go along with grief, and yes even after nearly 10 yrs of Jordyn being in Heaven, I still grieve for her and I believe I will until the day I join her. I can't and won't hide it though. It doesn't take over my life any more like it did the first couple of years after she died. But...there are times when the grief is overwhelming. For example the day she was dx with leukemia, her birthday, and the day she went to Heaven, and often it's the days leading up to those days that are the hardest. In ways it has gotten easier, or no I should say gentler...grief is NEVER, EVER easy and let me also state there is NO TIME LINE for grief, especially when you're talking about your child. As human's we're wired to expect to bury our parents at some point in our life, sometimes it happens years before we ever expect it, but we still expect that. We even have a part of us that expects there's a 50/50 chance we'll bury our spouse, sibling(s), grandparents, etc....but you NEVER expect to bury your child. A child dying is the most unnatural event for a parent and the most painful. I'm sure there are people who think I should just be "over it" as far as Jordyn's life and death, I can guarentee you that they never lost a child. Anyways...I dread the clock clicking over in 2 minutes, although I don't think it'll feel quite so harsh until morning. So just say a prayer for me if you would.

Accomplishments..well as I've complained enough about, how I've been sick various times through this pregnancy (which has been not related to the pregnancy related), today I finally said ENOUGH! I got up off the couch and started cleaning. We have a dog, Bentley, he's a cocker spaniel. I should state I'm not a huge dog lover. He annoys  me more than anything most days. I DO NOT consider him a "furry child" and I'm not a person that will ever consider an animal my child. Anyways, do you know how much this dog sheds? I do....I filled a half a grocery bag/sack with dog hair I'd guess. It was insane. (the kids and chad have been doing most the cleaning lately so I  knew it wasn't getting done like i want it, but good grief!) he is losing his winter coat since it's warming up so I do take that into account and informed Chad and the boys that he has to be brushed every single day to prevent all this darn dog hair floating around here! I swept and mopped the living room and dining room. All that needs to be done in here is put away the clean laundry and clean off the table completely. Tomorrow the goal is the kitchen and bathroom. I want and need my home to get a good deep cleaning. I'm hoping not this weekend, but next weekend that Chad will put out the stove and the fridge and we can clean behind and around those two huge pieces. I guess maybe some nesting is hitting me! :) I'm 30 weeks now, so just a few more weeks left.  I'm amazed at how fast this pregnancy has went by.
Chad and I also have a goal on Saturday if he's home to tackle the boys room. Their room is a WRECK, I mean you can't walk in their room anywhere and not step on oh 20 things. They have a lot of toys in there that they've outgrown or simply don't play with any more, and I need to go through their clothing, mostly Jackson's, because when Jacob outgrows his, Jack inherits them. I don't know if we'll get everything tackled in there on Saturday, but we are hoping to make a good dent.

I will say it feels good to have these goals right now. I've not honestly felt good enough in nearly 3 months to even care to set them, so to feel good enough and actually to have accomplished something today felt so good and it was nice to have Chad come home and notice!! :)


Bri said...

I'm praying for you sweet friend. While I do not know the depths of your grief, I can assure you I will never be one of those people who expects you to get over it. My grandma taught me better long ago. She only got a few short months with her first born son in the fall of 1941, but she grieved him until the day she died in the fall of 1992.