Wednesday, January 14, 2009

What I Desire

As a mother I have so many desires for all of my children, but tonight I write about Emma. She's my 2nd born daughter, 4 child over all. She's the child I'd prayed for and just absolutely desired in my heart of hearts. Please don't think I did not pray for my boys, and I hope it goes without saying how I prayed for Jordyn (before and after her birth)....but to be completely honest here, Emma was a true answer to prayers. I desired with ALL my heart to have a girl when I was pregnant with her. Ok a little history very quickly. Eight days after my sweet Jordyn went home to sing with Jesus, I found out I was pg with Jacob. I prayed for a boy. I KNEW I could not emotionally handle a little girl. I knew I'd compare, and possibly, ok no most likely it would have pushed me over the edge that I teetered on for that first year after her death and longer. I felt such joy when I found out we were expecting a boy! With Jackson we had hoped for a girl, but I truly was thrilled beyond all measure to find out we were having another boy. We knew he wasn't our last baby and I felt just such joy to know he was healthy and growing wonderfully in my womb.
I admit it though...Emma I had such a desire for a girl, I'm sure I'd have cried some tears had my ob said she was a he. I cried when she said she was a she! They were absolutely tears of joy and I never did see those 3 little lines on the ultrasound because of the tears, but it didn't matter! LOL Chad saw them though! :)

Ok so now you're caught up a little. I wanted a daughter, desired her, longed for her. My hearts cry was truly to be able to mother a little girl. I wanted all the fun stuff, and everything else that goes along with mothering a daughter.

I did not have a great relationship with my mother, honestly I still don't have a great one. It's better with me living in Germany and her in Kansas. An ocean and half a country away makes our relationship better. Sadly. I long to have a deep relationship with my mother that's beyond mother -daughter, but friends, and even more so...sisters in Christ. At this point we're only the first...mother-daughter.

I have prayers for Emma. One of my greatest prayers and desires is for us to have a close relationship. To have one of honor and respect (both ways) and as she becomes a woman, one that delves to friendship and admiration (again both ways). I want her to feel she can tell me anything, that she calls me just to chat, and that she will seek to have that relationship with me, because she can trust me. I want her to see Christ through me as her mother, as a woman. It's such a deep desire that I'm almost scared to type it. I have friends who have this sort of relationship with their own mothers. It's beautiful. So beautiful. I don't know how many of you have that sort of relationship. I know I'm not alone in the type I have with my own mother, and that's heart breaking to me. I know the pain and sadness I have inside of my heart over that. I do accept it and pray that one day it'll change.

There's a blog that I love, it's Beth Moore's LPM blog. Her and her two daughter's blog on it. I have it over on my blog roll. Beth's a Christian author and speaker and Emily loves her and has met her, on one of the most sacred days of her life. Let me tell you that since I couldn't be with Emily on that day, what joy (in sorrow) it brings me to know that she was able to share such a day as that meeting Beth, sharing Miller Grace with her, and having precious friends with her that love her (not as much as me, but pretty close!). Anyways...Beth wrote my absolute favorite post of hers EVER on my birthday last year. It brings me to tears every time I read it. Here it is:
Beth's Melissa post. Beth wrote this to her youngest daughter one week before her daughter's wedding.

Let me tell you, THIS is the type of relationship I WANT, I DESIRE, I LONG to have with Emma. This to me feels like what GOD desires for all mothers and daughters. The last sentence Beth actually quotes my favorite all time children's book, "Love You Forever" . BTW if you don't have this book, buy it! Truly it's beautiful. I cry every single time I read it to my children and it's one of our most read books! Doesn't matter, I just can't stop the tears. That start at the same place every time (sorry not telling you when, that's mine and my children's little secret!).

Anyways...what Beth has with her daughters, is the type of relationship I long to have with Emma (and any future daughter's GOD may bless me with). I think it's one of the most delicate relationships a woman can have. No matter how old we are, we long to be loved and comforted and supported by our mothers. We long for their approval. We long to have that feeling of being completely safe with her. I want Emma to have that feeling and to know that nothing she can do will ever make me love her less. I want her to grow up with a heart after Jesus' heart. I want her to see that example in me. I have a lot to do still with our Lord and well he has a lot of building in me, but I AM the one that must do the work and accept his gifts as he hands them to me.

If you're a mother, go read Beth's post. If you're a daughter go read it. If you happen to be a man reading here (well hello!) and you have a woman who's important in your life, read this post. I'm telling you it's a heart changing post.

I think we all want to do as good if not better than our own parents. Well I'm standing here to say that I want to have a better relationship with Emma. I want to build her up. I want to teach her that although she's beautiful on the outside, it's what's on inside that really needs to be beautiful and that the only way that is going to happen is through her relationship with Christ, otherwise it's all just a facade. I want her to have the most intimate relationship of her life with our Lord. I want her to feel secure in him. To feel safe, loved, and desired in our Lord. I want her to measure every man she meets up to her Father, our Lord Jesus. I want her to know that she deserves the best, because our Father said he wants that for her. I want her to have confidence that's a silent confidence. I want her to be cautious in her choices and know that the most precious gifts will be given inside a marriage. I want her to feel secure in herself, because she's secure with herself in the Lord.

There's so many desires I have for Emma. The greatest desire though is her relationship with Jesus.

"Lord, I come to you tonight in prayer. I pray for Emma Grace. Lord she is YOURS and yours alone. You have allowed me to be her mother on this Earth, but she's truly all yours. Lord, I desire to do the best by her through you. Let her learn your ways. Let me teach her your ways. Lord, let me be the example you have proclaimed I'm to be for her. Let me teach her what it takes to be a woman, through your words. Lord let her feel the confidence in herself that she will not mistakes that I made as a lost teenage girl, only wanting to feel the Love only YOU can truly give. Let her not seek love from boys who will never love her the way she needs and deserves to be loved. Let her be surrounded by those who only seek YOUR will. Lord, remind me to treat her the way you have instructed me to treat her. Guide me as I guide her. Lord, give her a forgiving heart as I mess up and require forgiveness. Lord let me be humble enough to ask for forgiveness when necessary and let that be an example to her to be humble in her own mistakes. Lord, my desire is to serve you, to raise up a daughter who seeks you. Thank you for blessing me Lord. For allowing me to once again raise up a little girl in YOUR Word. Emma is your child, she's an image of you. I'm but a humble woman allowed to bring her into this world through your blessing. Amen"


CntryMomma said...

Okay, you made me tear up!



Missie said...

I'm grateful I have that type of relationship with my mom, and I think Nicci and I will have a close one too.

Emily said...

So perfect, so true, such a challenge. I love you and that ornery little beauty, too. ;)

He And Me + 3 said...

Wow...that was just so beautiful! Emma is blessed & so are you! I pray too that your relationship as mother and daughter continues to grow each day!

Heli gunner Tom said...

it may seem strange-- but I heard that some Christian parents actually read the Bible to their infants. Their brains are a sponge.

Our church service/ prayer meeting was canceled tonight because of the snow, ice and severe cold in WI.

tom schuckman

Terri said...

I am grateful to have a close relationship with my Mother...I have no doubt you and Emma will have the type of relationship you so desire! Beth has a wonderful blog...I added myself as a follower..thanks!


Gillie said...

I wish I had that relationship with my mother and definitely feel I am missing out on not having a daughter!

I love the book Love You Forever! I usually include it when I buy a baby gift!