Babies aren't, Daddies aren't

One of my favorite bloggers Traci wrote a comment and I want to share it, because it's brought up a lot of various thoughts for me and emotions that I want to share:

"I'm always thankful for my healthy girls. I'm sorry I haven't been around much. I've been facebooking and frankly, journals have taken their toll on me emotionally. No offense but your's especially. Babies aren't supposed to be born with problems and little people aren't supposed to die and daddy's aren't supposed to be in the desert without their families. I love you, Christy and am praying for you and your family.
Thursday, March 26, 2009"

If you read Traci you know what a sweet woman she is. She loves Jesus, loves her husband, and loves her girls whom she's homeschooling. She's a Northern girl, living in the South.

Initially I read it and just approved it and went about things, but for some reason I was called back to it and reread it. On that 2nd read I was hurt. Hurt that my blog was too much for others. I don't try to make my blog one that's emotionally draining. I try to mix it up, but sometimes sad is what I'm feeling and I'm not going to hide behind a fake mask. Then I read it again and you know sometimes reality is just too much. It gets to be too much for me honestly, but I unfortunately don't get to avoid it. Now before I go on, please know that this is absolutely no way meant to be read at anything towards Traci, but towards myself! Funny how others thoughts show you your own so clearly. I KNOW what Traci was saying and get it and I will tell you I have to avoid some blogs myself because it's just too much for me at various times. With that though here goes!

I don't get to avoid babies getting sick and dying. My daughter died. She had cancer, she had chemo, total body irradiation (TBI), she had a bone marrow transplant, she replaced, had more radiation, and then the leukemia over took her and Jesus carried her home. I walked on the otherside of the road as one of my very best friends had to hand her baby over, at only 5 days old to Jesus. She did this as I was finishing out a pregnancy I'd prayed more for than I'd prayed for any of my pregnancy's. I walked it with her as I nursed my baby, begging the Lord to keep her quiet so Emily would not hear her, as I listened as she wept over the death of Miller Grace. I don't get to avoid a husband who's a Daddy off in the desert fighting for our country, even if the majority of our country does not support his fight and feels it's worthless. My husband is one of the 4% of American's (yes it's only 4%) who's brave enough to be in the military to fight for our country.

I know that although I have my trials, they are not everyone's trials. Reality is they're not the majorities trials. Yet we all have our own individual trials. For the most part, I've come to terms with Jordyn being in Heaven. I NEVER have to worry about her or her safety or where she's at. I know, I KNOW she's safe in the arms of Jesus! I chose to marry a Soldier. Chad was in the Army when we got maried, but we were not at war. I honestly never dreamt that we'd be seperated so much in our marriage, yet we've spent nearly half of our 12 yrs of marriage apart. It's not always easy, yet we're so blessed. While so many are losing jobs, Chad has job security. We don't have to worry when the next paycheck is coming in, because on the 1st and the 15th we're paid right on time. I don't have to worry about taking my children to the medical clinic or putting food on the table, because we have free medical care. I don't have to worry about where I'm going to live or how rent or a mortage is going to be paid, because the military has housing for us (or if we lived off post would give us a certain amount to pay for our rent). So yes, Chad has a DANGEROUS job, the seperation absolutely sucks, and I wish he was home with us vs in Iraq...but it's his career and it's where God has placed him and he's blessed us through the Army. We have a security that many do not have. I'm truly thankful for that.

I also know though that sometimes reality of my life or others who I care about is just too much for me and I have to find ways to seperate myself. There are blogs I can't go to. Honestly I struggle reading about most children with cancer, although I do read a couple. Let me tell you though, there are times I get out and out jealous to read of a child who beats cancer. I'm NOT proud of this, but it's my truth. I'm thrilled they survived, but jealous none the less, because reality is...I wanted Jordyn to survive and beat cancer in the opposite way that she did beat it. I would LOVE to have an almost 11 yr old here. I'd love for Jacob to not be living in the roll as "Oldest" and would love for him to have the role of "2nd" child, but that's not what GOD allowed for our family. There are times I wish I only had to deal with my husband going away for an overnight trip or even a few weeks trip, or a fishing weekend (oh he'd love that! LOL). But that's not our life! He is that Daddy who's in the desert and my children are the ones who have to live every other year of their life with Daddy being gone and not knowing if he will return to us.

So here it is....sometimes we have to do what we can to survive. Sometimes it's avoiding blogs, sometimes it's avoiding people in our real life, sometimes it's not answering the phone, returning a letter, turning the channel or turning the stupid tv completely off. Sometimes it's not listening to that song that pierces your heart. Sometimes we have to do what we have to, to keep going. Sometimes we have to say no, or suffer burnout.
It's not weakness. It's survival.

All I ask is that you seek GOD. Seek him, love him, praise him and remember that yes there are storms brewing all over the place, but we're still supposed to praise him through those storms. Although it may seem like there are storms at every turn, on every blog...there are also Miracles all over the place.
In a matter of days or weeks my sweet, sweet Emily will be giving birth to her 4th daughter. Abigail will soon be filling their HOME with newborn cries and squeeks, and piggy nursing sounds that Emily has ached to hear for nearly 2 yrs. That my friends is a miracle!
I talk every single day almost to my friend Heather, who a little over a year ago many of you were praying with me for. She'd went into a coma, died, was brought back, and then tetered for weeks, lost part of her lung, lost muscle mass in her body (laying in a coma does that to a person), nearly lost her voice because she had to have a Trach, yet because of the Miracle GOD gave her, gave us, she's alive. She's sassier, speaks her mind more often, loves harder, laughs longer....because GOD gave her a miracle.

I promise you....there are miracles all around you, you just aren't seeing them. So if you're feeling emotionally drained, burt out, or just spent from certain things...take a break from them and start seeking Christ. Ask him to show you his miracles. They're every where and they're AMAZING.

He's HOLY. He's a God of Wonders. He works for all things to Glorify him. Let your life be part of that! Let your spirit! Pray for the sick, pray for those who are seperated from their families, pray for the broken hearted....but do not forget to sing PRAISES!


Traci, thank you for being honest. Thank you for sharing your heart. I love you, too!

So although babies aren't supposed to be sick and daddies aren't supposed to be away from their families, sometimes they are....but my friends GOD is always GOD and nothing happens without his knowledge and ok first and we know that all things happen to Glorify the Lord, so we can rejoice! Sing Praise! God is always faithful to us, he's forever and never will he forsake us. Oh how blessed are we? So blessed, so blessed.