Thursday, March 26, 2009

Babies aren't, Daddies aren't

One of my favorite bloggers Traci wrote a comment and I want to share it, because it's brought up a lot of various thoughts for me and emotions that I want to share:

"I'm always thankful for my healthy girls. I'm sorry I haven't been around much. I've been facebooking and frankly, journals have taken their toll on me emotionally. No offense but your's especially. Babies aren't supposed to be born with problems and little people aren't supposed to die and daddy's aren't supposed to be in the desert without their families. I love you, Christy and am praying for you and your family.
Thursday, March 26, 2009"

If you read Traci you know what a sweet woman she is. She loves Jesus, loves her husband, and loves her girls whom she's homeschooling. She's a Northern girl, living in the South.

Initially I read it and just approved it and went about things, but for some reason I was called back to it and reread it. On that 2nd read I was hurt. Hurt that my blog was too much for others. I don't try to make my blog one that's emotionally draining. I try to mix it up, but sometimes sad is what I'm feeling and I'm not going to hide behind a fake mask. Then I read it again and you know sometimes reality is just too much. It gets to be too much for me honestly, but I unfortunately don't get to avoid it. Now before I go on, please know that this is absolutely no way meant to be read at anything towards Traci, but towards myself! Funny how others thoughts show you your own so clearly. I KNOW what Traci was saying and get it and I will tell you I have to avoid some blogs myself because it's just too much for me at various times. With that though here goes!

I don't get to avoid babies getting sick and dying. My daughter died. She had cancer, she had chemo, total body irradiation (TBI), she had a bone marrow transplant, she replaced, had more radiation, and then the leukemia over took her and Jesus carried her home. I walked on the otherside of the road as one of my very best friends had to hand her baby over, at only 5 days old to Jesus. She did this as I was finishing out a pregnancy I'd prayed more for than I'd prayed for any of my pregnancy's. I walked it with her as I nursed my baby, begging the Lord to keep her quiet so Emily would not hear her, as I listened as she wept over the death of Miller Grace. I don't get to avoid a husband who's a Daddy off in the desert fighting for our country, even if the majority of our country does not support his fight and feels it's worthless. My husband is one of the 4% of American's (yes it's only 4%) who's brave enough to be in the military to fight for our country.

I know that although I have my trials, they are not everyone's trials. Reality is they're not the majorities trials. Yet we all have our own individual trials. For the most part, I've come to terms with Jordyn being in Heaven. I NEVER have to worry about her or her safety or where she's at. I know, I KNOW she's safe in the arms of Jesus! I chose to marry a Soldier. Chad was in the Army when we got maried, but we were not at war. I honestly never dreamt that we'd be seperated so much in our marriage, yet we've spent nearly half of our 12 yrs of marriage apart. It's not always easy, yet we're so blessed. While so many are losing jobs, Chad has job security. We don't have to worry when the next paycheck is coming in, because on the 1st and the 15th we're paid right on time. I don't have to worry about taking my children to the medical clinic or putting food on the table, because we have free medical care. I don't have to worry about where I'm going to live or how rent or a mortage is going to be paid, because the military has housing for us (or if we lived off post would give us a certain amount to pay for our rent). So yes, Chad has a DANGEROUS job, the seperation absolutely sucks, and I wish he was home with us vs in Iraq...but it's his career and it's where God has placed him and he's blessed us through the Army. We have a security that many do not have. I'm truly thankful for that.

I also know though that sometimes reality of my life or others who I care about is just too much for me and I have to find ways to seperate myself. There are blogs I can't go to. Honestly I struggle reading about most children with cancer, although I do read a couple. Let me tell you though, there are times I get out and out jealous to read of a child who beats cancer. I'm NOT proud of this, but it's my truth. I'm thrilled they survived, but jealous none the less, because reality is...I wanted Jordyn to survive and beat cancer in the opposite way that she did beat it. I would LOVE to have an almost 11 yr old here. I'd love for Jacob to not be living in the roll as "Oldest" and would love for him to have the role of "2nd" child, but that's not what GOD allowed for our family. There are times I wish I only had to deal with my husband going away for an overnight trip or even a few weeks trip, or a fishing weekend (oh he'd love that! LOL). But that's not our life! He is that Daddy who's in the desert and my children are the ones who have to live every other year of their life with Daddy being gone and not knowing if he will return to us.

So here it is....sometimes we have to do what we can to survive. Sometimes it's avoiding blogs, sometimes it's avoiding people in our real life, sometimes it's not answering the phone, returning a letter, turning the channel or turning the stupid tv completely off. Sometimes it's not listening to that song that pierces your heart. Sometimes we have to do what we have to, to keep going. Sometimes we have to say no, or suffer burnout.
It's not weakness. It's survival.

All I ask is that you seek GOD. Seek him, love him, praise him and remember that yes there are storms brewing all over the place, but we're still supposed to praise him through those storms. Although it may seem like there are storms at every turn, on every blog...there are also Miracles all over the place.
In a matter of days or weeks my sweet, sweet Emily will be giving birth to her 4th daughter. Abigail will soon be filling their HOME with newborn cries and squeeks, and piggy nursing sounds that Emily has ached to hear for nearly 2 yrs. That my friends is a miracle!
I talk every single day almost to my friend Heather, who a little over a year ago many of you were praying with me for. She'd went into a coma, died, was brought back, and then tetered for weeks, lost part of her lung, lost muscle mass in her body (laying in a coma does that to a person), nearly lost her voice because she had to have a Trach, yet because of the Miracle GOD gave her, gave us, she's alive. She's sassier, speaks her mind more often, loves harder, laughs longer....because GOD gave her a miracle.

I promise you....there are miracles all around you, you just aren't seeing them. So if you're feeling emotionally drained, burt out, or just spent from certain things...take a break from them and start seeking Christ. Ask him to show you his miracles. They're every where and they're AMAZING.

He's HOLY. He's a God of Wonders. He works for all things to Glorify him. Let your life be part of that! Let your spirit! Pray for the sick, pray for those who are seperated from their families, pray for the broken hearted....but do not forget to sing PRAISES!


Traci, thank you for being honest. Thank you for sharing your heart. I love you, too!

So although babies aren't supposed to be sick and daddies aren't supposed to be away from their families, sometimes they are....but my friends GOD is always GOD and nothing happens without his knowledge and ok first and we know that all things happen to Glorify the Lord, so we can rejoice! Sing Praise! God is always faithful to us, he's forever and never will he forsake us. Oh how blessed are we? So blessed, so blessed.


15 comments:

Laughing Momma said...

Christy
That was an amazing post. I too, find myself drawn to some blogs and staying away from others. I relished my "break" from Big daddy while he was away, but it is nothing like what you live daily. And I am pleased that you personally know Emily, whose blog was the very first I ever started reading...
I am thankful that through the internet, blogs and twitter, I am able to be blessed by your sweet, truthful words.

Thank you, Sister

You are one of a kind!!

April

Our little family said...

Thank you, I really needed to hear that although I didn't like the fact that it made me cry :)

Emily said...

P-E-R-F-E-C-T.

Linda said...

It is funny how different people see the same thing differently. I have always come to your blog when I have been struggling with things and have been down and felt like I couldn't cope. Your journal has always given me hope and strength and most importantly FAITH in the Lord when I have struggled with that! Linda

LYN said...

WHAT AN ABSOLUTELY HONEST AND BEAUTIFUL POST..I TOTALLY GET IT!

Linda said...

Christy, it IS hard for some people to read about all the hurt and pain. And I know you love your friend Traci...but her comment seems to me to be a "hide your head in the sand" moment.

A "not me monday" type of thing...only the "not me" is about her blessings. She's saying she's glad it's not her.

And for me, while I say the same about being blessed with healthy kids, I know that it could change in a heartbeat. And when I find a blog with a compelling story (like yours, or MCK's, or Bring The Rain), I read it from the beginning...because I need to know the story...and I need to know how to pray for those people.

It's okay to be thankful that you've got healthy kids - but by avoiding the blogs and journals of those who are hurting and wanting prayer, you're only preventing something good from happening. Stellan's health is rocky, but his mom says every day that it's the prayer that gets him through. And God doesn't hear the prayers of those who choose to avoid the story....because they can't know what to pray for.

Bri said...

I love you and I love this post! Even though I cried through most of it. Parts of it really made my heart hurt, but it is honest and it is real. I wouldn't want (or expect) any less from you. :)

Might I add thank you for voicing so well the blessings that go with the trials of military life. ;)

Carolyn said...

You are a beautiful woman Christy. I can't imagine going through what you have and still do- but you do give so much hope to people through your pain. Thank you for that, thank you for your giving such Glory to the Lord here. And most of all right now- I do thank Chad and all his fellow soldiers. They are doing such a huge and important mission- and it IS NOT IN VAIN!!!!!! (I know you know that but unfortunately, some do not) God Bless you Dear Christy. Love me

His Girl said...

What a beautiful, beautiful post!

Corie said...

This is SUCH an INCREDIBLE post...I too want to avoid and sometimes deny my reality. Seeing things that remind you of what you don't have or don't get hurts...yet seeing stories of the reality of lifes sufferings causes me to pray more often. For there is MUCH to pray for. Thank you for sharing your heart...sharing truth and yet just so honest and transparent. What a lady you are. Praying for you often.

TheRagan3 said...

Christy, I found your blog thru CFHusband and was brought to tears by this post. I can't tell you how special it was to hear your heart in the first post that I read. I haven't yet read your sweet girls story (but I plan on doing that next) but I felt a kindred with your spirit. I have lost a child as well. No, my son didn't go thru a long battle but at 1 month old, after being born nearly 3 months eary, and after open heart surgery, the Father called Moses home to heaven with the angels. No matter how you lose a child it's never easy and no one will ever understand completely unless they have walked a mile in our shoes.
Your openness and honesty with sharing your feelings and emotions is to be commended. It can be hard for others to read our thoughts but I can attest to the fact that after I talk or "blog" about my feelings I feel better. I find that I keep coming back to those blogs whose emotions I can identify with... and yours is one of those.
Praying for you my sister in Christ-
Erinn
Mommy of angel Moses and 3yr old Abraham
www.moses-mackay-ragan.memory-of.com

ggal2933 said...

Beautiful post that brought tears to me. There are times when I'm writing in my blog I think that I might scare some away or they just don't want to hear it again. But this is a place for us to come and for me, if I didn't have it I might have lost it a long time ago. You are an amazing woman...one that I look up too and I find strength from you to help me get through losing a child.

Hugs,
Gretchen

a corgi said...

I read your journal in spurts, Christy; sometimes I'm there on every entry sometimes its weeks before I get to it. I'm at a strange place with journals right now; thankfully they don't consume me like they used to which I can say is truly an answer to prayer, thank you Lord. I find myself lately avoiding those journals that berate their husbands or their kids, cut them down, etc, and cringe to know they call themselves Christians let write about this or that, airing their dirty laundry so to speak for all to read. But you don't do that. You always 100% support Chad in your journal even though it is very hard I can imagine to be away from him for so long, but you always talk of your love for him and how much you miss him; that is so refreshing to read in these days when I read some blogs with people who hate their ex's and speak negatively of them. I've cut a lot of journals out and one of my new criteria is if they berate family or especially spouses, I'm not interested in reading them any more.

For my own reason, I have chosen not to write from my heart like you write from yours. Part of that is to respect my family's privacy and I frankly just do not know who is reading my journal and some I would write is such of a sensitive nature I can't have it out in the public and I don't want to go private at this time.

Any way after this incredibly long comment, I admire you for what you write and how much your love for the Lord shines through. I read when I can and comment as I feel fitting these days

I think you are doing a great job getting out the love of Jesus in your posts

betty

Amy said...

Love this post.
Check out mine today. I'd like your thoughts.

Amanda said...

This is amazingly powerful Christy... did you find that after you wrote it it had helped you come to terms with things? I was impressed with your honestly and vulnerability, and as always, love you and your heart for God. Its amazing that you can give Him glory in good AND bad.. and I love what an inspiration you are to so many.

I have never had a *hard* time reading you blog, but I have cried with you, cried for you, ached with you, prayed for you and laughed with you. You are living life, as well as you can, and I think knowing you has made me a better person.

So know this! I am here with you every step of the way!

God bless-
Amanda

P.S. You should be taking more Vitamin D.

KIDDING!!!