Saturday, March 07, 2009

Do you ever want to run away?

There are days that I'd like to quit my job. Yep, just throw in the towel and scream "I'm OUT of here! HA!" and RUN, far far away. What's my job you ask? I'm a mom and army wife who's in the midst of a 15 month deployment. Guess what, it's not always easy. I love my children, but I don't always find joy in it. It breaks my heart that, that little fact is true, but it is what it is. Being at this alone is not what I personally want, but it's what God's called me to do. I honestly don't know why, especially days like today. To just give you an idea of my day...let me tell you I RARELY blog during the day because we're too busy, too much to do....but well I'm so stressed out I had to get away from it on and that's what blogging is for me, an escape.

I have my music on listening to words praising our Lord, reminding me of what this is ALL about. I know my flesh is fuming. I'm angry and frustrated at my boys. I'm sure my anger is a drop in the bucket to the Lord's when I've disobeyed him, when I've out and out sinned and known better. I'm struggling with that fact RIGHT now actually. Part of me wants to scream and cry, the other part says "no time to pull your big girl panties on and be the Momma". You know what though, I hear it...that whisper getting louder, do you know what it's saying? "I don't WANT TO". Yep. Ok I've put it out there. There are times I just don't want to do this. I want to look the Lord in the face and ask him what he was thinking leading me to mother and be an Army wife. I mean seriously he knows ME, he knows how I AM...why would he want to subject my children to ME? I have a temper and am easy to fly off the handle. I scream at times, and are you ready for this??? I even SPANK. Yep I'm a spanker and if you don't like it, tough!

I find that I spank less and less, but it's still there at times and it was so done today. I know this blog is making little sense, but my head just feels like it's going to explode. I had a headache when I woke up, it left, but it's returning. I'd love to take a nap, but I can't. I have a Pampered Chef party to go to and then the boys were invited to a birthday party at the bowling alley (oh joy). I'm all about the PC party, the BP not so much.

Ok I know I was all over the place, sorry about that. It is what it is though. I have laundry in the washers that need to be placed into the dryers and more clothes to go into the washers, so I better get that done before my babysitter gets here. I promise when I write again, it'll be with a better frame of mind.

I do love my kids, just frustrated with them right now.




7 comments:

LYN said...

I hope being able to write about it all helps...

I cetainly have felt the way you have before..being everything to everyone is exhausting....


you are doing a great job Christy!!!!!!!!!

Traci said...

I know just what you mean. Except for the fact that my husband isn't deployed. I'm praying for you.

Bekah said...

i am praying for you. I love you.

Becky said...

one of my co-worker is fond of saying " I love my kids but often I don't like them"
and I so understand!

EmilytheCreative said...

We've all been where you are right now in that post. I'm there more than I like to admit sometimes. I hope things got better and you enjoyed your time with the kids and at your different parties.

Beth in NC said...

I don't know how you do it by yourself (most of the time). I whine and I have one child and a husband at home. You are a super woman!

I pray tomorrow will be a better day!

Gillie said...

I wish I was there just to give you a big hug and tell you "You ARE doing a great job!"
xx