Clinging

It's 2:15 am and I'm wide awake. I was doing really well for a while and the last week or so the late nights/early mornings have taken back over. If you've never suffered from insomnia then it's something you can't understand. I know there are people out there who have it far worse than I do and honestly my heart aches for them. There are people who simply can't sleep at all. How they function at all is truly beyond me. On a good night I average 5 hours of sleep, on a bad night...2.

Tomorrow afternoon my friend A is bringing her two boys over for a playdate. She and her husband are going to Nurnburg to the Christmas Market. I know the boys will have a great time and this will most likely be the last time they see each other and have the opportunity to play together. They MIGHT see each other on Monday but I'm not really sure. Saturday they head to Rothenburg and will be staying at the castle there, I think they come back on Monday. I'd like to go by and say "Goodbye" Monday and give her one last hug. I'm trying to be stronger about her leaving than B, because I just can't break like that again. Speaking of B, they'll be in Arizona on Sunday and will sign for housing on Monday! God has truly worked for them on that end. Please keep praying for them as they are about to enter the next phase of this transition. They will know a lot of people there as a lot, and I mean A LOT of people from their brigade moved to Arizona too. It's like a mini reunion for all of them! I'm trying hard not to be envious of those who will get to see B on a daily basis. I have honestly tried not to think about her much because if I do, I am afraid the tears will just start to flow and I am tired of crying.

Anyways in the next couple of weeks there will be lots more goodbyes. Sunday I will say my official goodbye to another friend who also flies on Tuesday. There's a few more that are leaving throughout the month, although I'm not sure of dates for them. It's such a huge turnover right now. New people coming and honestly part of me just wants to block my heart from any of them, yet the rational part of me says how stupid that is. I mean if I did that I could miss out on a great friendship that I don't even know exists yet. That's how they always begin, when you least expect them it seems. I admit I am clinging to the friends I have right now, despertately. I'm seeking God all over the place and just hungry for him and desperate for him. That's how we should always be isn't it! Yet it's not until the support system he's set up for me oh so perfectly starts to fall down all around me that I reach out to him in the most desperate of ways, which again is how he sets things up. I know that he wants me to cling to him with and without the support system. I need to do that and want to. It's my hearts cry right now, to know him more intimately. To feel his grace day in and day out. To know that I seek him first and formost before anyone else. Why is it when we get comfortable we stop seeking him as much as we should? Why am I so foolish to not keep it going. Why do I seem to "forget" that the relationship with him should not only be the most important relationship I have, but the deepest? I know I'm not the only one that falls on their face with this issue. I know I'm surely not the only one who grieves over that fall either. I want to please him, I want to be humbled by him constantly and to keep that humility at the forefront of who I am.

I am nothing without my Lord. I have to cling to that, remember that, live that.