Sunday, December 07, 2008

Does Anybody Hear?

I know another post before the night is even through. My own heart is so heavy. You see Chad and I argued a great deal tonight. I will not get into that, as some was simple pettiness, while other parts of it were very serious. You see I'm not strong. I'm weak. My heart is heavy and simply put I'm sick of deployments. In our not even 12 yrs of marriage we've gone through now 5 deployments, ok we're in the midst of our 5th...3 of those in the last 5 yrs to Iraq. I'm tired. I'd like to say "I didn't sign up for this" yet in a way I did.

It doesn't matter because I love this man, who's a soldier. I love him and accept him and support him. But it takes a toll on a person, on this woman, wife, and mother. It's hard. I don't want to live the life of a single mother and I'm not a single mother, yet every other year I get the "opportunity" of parenting virutally alone. When only 4% of ALL American's are in the military, you can see that not a lot of people "GET" what I'm living through. I am blessed beyond measure with my friends who are Army wives and other military branch wives. Most people though do not have a true concept of this hardship.

I have to confess I find I have very little, to no empathy to someone who's husband goes away for a few days, a week, or even a month for a business trip, weekend get away, etc. It's hard for me to read of the wives who talk of their "hardship" when they just have to deal with it for a few days. Ok being REAL here...I want to SCREAM "get over it". Yet my head knows that even those small seperations are a big deal to them and it's their own personal burden...yet still my heart is screaming "at least he's not in a warzone, where terrorists want to kill him. At least he's not in a country that you don't even know if you can truly trust that countries military to not turn on you and try to shoot you in the back, literally. At least their not in a country where their own police may try to kill you or at least set it up so your killing can happen." See, not such a nice person am I? I'm selfish and am sick and tired of being seperated constantly. Even when he's home, they are training. They do on average 5 months of training in between deployments and that doesn't count any schools they may need to attend, any trainings, etc. It doesn't count the late nights at work. You can not even imagine the last weeks before a deployment how it seems like they've put off everything until days before it's time to go and they're working until all hours of the night and leaving at all hours of the morning and you're screaming "What about us? Where's our family time before you take him?". Then when they get back, sure they have time off, after a week or two of returning...then after the block leave is over everything starts arriving from the deployment and guess what...more early morning and late nights. It's this vicious cycle that never seems to end.

We're looking at retirement in the next few years and I wonder how many MORE deployments will we go through. Just because they're calling for a pull out of Iraq does not mean our deployments are up, no there's still Afganistan, and it's a dangerous place as well. Same routine before and after.

I just wonder just exactly how much more is left of me? I feel alone and abandoned. The loneliness sometimes is so absolutely overwhelming I can hardly breathe. I want to scream and be comforted. I want my husband to be able to wrap his arms around me and tell me "Everything's going to be ok", but he can't because he's in Iraq.

Yes I KNOW this is the life I chose. I CHOSE to marry a soldier. I CHOSE to have children with him. I just didn't know when we got married what being an Army wife would entail. This is NOT an easy life. It's the life I know and I'm used to it. I love my husband and children and most of the time I even can say with a full heart that I love the Army life, but right now I don't. Right now I want to throw myself down kicking and screaming and make the Army bring my husband home...safe and sound.

I am so unbelievably tired, yet I can't sleep. How can I be surrounded by love, grace, and friendship and still feel like I'm all alone? Lately the song that's on my heart is

"Does Anybody Hear Her" by Casting Crowns




She is running
A hundred miles an hour in the wrong direction
She is trying
But the canyon's ever widening
In the depths of her cold heart
So she sets out on another misadventure just to find
She's another two years older
And she's three more steps behind

Does anybody hear her?
Can anybody see?
Or does anybody even know she's going down today
Under the shadow of our steeple
With all the lost and lonely people
Searching for the hope that's tucked away in you and me
Does anybody hear her? Can anybody see?

She is yearning
For shelter and affection
That she never found at home
She is searching
For a hero to ride in
To ride in and save the day
And in walks her prince charming
And he knows just what to say
Momentary lapse of reason
And she gives herself away

Does anybody hear her? Can anybody see?
Or does anybody even know she's going down today
Under the shadow of our steeple
With all the lost and lonely people
Searching for the hope that's tucked away in you and me
Does anybody hear her? Can anybody see?

If judgment looms under every steeple
If lofty glances from lofty people
Can't see past her scarlet letter
And we've never even met herIf judgment looms under every steeple
If lofty glances from lofty people
Can't see past her scarlet letter
And we've never even met her
If Judgement looms under every steeple
If lofty glances from lofty people
Can't see past her scarlet letter And we've never even met her

Never even met her(Never Even Met her)
(OHHHHH)
Does anybody hear her?
Does anybody see?

Or does anybody even know she's going down today
Under the shadow of our steeple
With all the lost and lonely people
Searching for the hope that's tucked away in you and me
Does anybody hear her? (Does anybody hear her?)
Does anybody see? (Does anybody See?)
Does anybody even know she's going down today?
Under the shadow of our steeple (shadow of her steeple)
With all the lost and lonely people (Lost and Lonely people)
Searching for the hope that's tucked away in you and me
Does anybody hear her?
Does anybody see?
He is running a hundred miles an hour in the wrong direction

7 comments:

Taunya said...

I will lift you (and your family) up in prayer tonight Christy! I don't know at all what you are going through, but I hear that you are hurting/lonely. I'll pray for strength to endure and for God's peace through your husbands deployment. how often can you contact him?
prayers, Taunya

Mc Allen said...

well, Im really sorry. words really cant express the gratitude I feel for what your fa,ily is doing, what your husband is doing. but I am so sorry that you are paying such a hifgh price. I was engaged to a marine, for 2 years, and we lived at jeneune. I couldnt do it, I couldnt "choose" what you did. I am not strong enough, or unselfish enough, whatever you want to call it. so I do know where you are comming from. 3 monhts here 2 months, 6 weeks, 6 months, over and over and over. I know your lonely, and its ok that you express all of this, you need to get it out, and we are here to listen. I wish I could helpo you, but i am here if you just need to spew, or need a virtual hug. ♥ LA

Daphine said...

Oh Christy,
I am really sorry that you are having a hard time with all of this. I so RESPECT wives who are married to soldiers. I truly believe that it is one of the hardest things to do/be on this earth. You are by far not selfish at all girl! You have the right to vent a little. It would not be normal if you didn't have these thoughts. So...don't beat yourself up about it either. I will definitely start praying for your family. Hang in there and keep us posted.

Leene said...

All I can do is offer a hug. I know what its like dealing with deployments and wanting to just strangle the women who complain about a weekend business trip. Most people just don't get how difficult it can be and how the deployments, homecoming, training and being gone all the time can really affect a relationship and family. If you need anything at all I am just an e-mail away. Leene

Amanda said...

Ive been waiting for this. See... you DO have it tougher than most of us. You are a single parent 90% of the time and not by choice..and thats a tough pill to swallow. YOu have to make choices and decisions that 'we' (you and he) should make, and the toll of that weighs you down.

Let it ALL out girl! I knew when I complained and moaned when my hubby went out of town for 10 days that you were thinking... GET OVER IT! And you were right. Absolutely right. You are total valid in everything you are feeling and experiencing.

That being said... I pray that the Lord reveals His grand plan to you... that you can have some understanding of why are going through all this now... all this heartache...all this lonliness...
He DOES have the bigger picture in mind... He loves you so desperately.

Many blessings-
Amanda

Aimee said...

Oh, sweetie (see by comment #2 I can call you that!) you are right I can't feel what you are, but I have been there...lonley on top of lonely...almost desperate to "feel" loved by your husband. It's different than knowing you are loved it's the physical sense that is missing that makes it hard to take a breath...alone...again! I can pray for you and I will...

a corgi said...

I'm so sorry Christy; I can't imagine how hard it is for you and other military families whose husbands are gone for such a long time. I heard on the news the other day that divorce in military families was up this year by 11% (I'm not saying you guys are getting a divorce, I'm just using this as a lead in to my next thought) I can see why divorce would be up because of the stress of deployments and how a couple could grow apart in that long period of being separated. My husband's dad was in the Navy for 24 years and had multiple deployments; his mom likes to say for that 24 years she was married 24 years but he was only married 16 years because that's how long he was home; the other 8 he was gone, but back in those days the longest deployment was about 6-10 months; their longest was just shy of a year. These 15 month deployments are just too long to be away from a wife and kids. But do I have any answers on how to solve this and would anyone in government hear me or care? no; so I'll do the best thing I can do for you and other military families; pray for you.

betty