Does Anybody Hear?

I know another post before the night is even through. My own heart is so heavy. You see Chad and I argued a great deal tonight. I will not get into that, as some was simple pettiness, while other parts of it were very serious. You see I'm not strong. I'm weak. My heart is heavy and simply put I'm sick of deployments. In our not even 12 yrs of marriage we've gone through now 5 deployments, ok we're in the midst of our 5th...3 of those in the last 5 yrs to Iraq. I'm tired. I'd like to say "I didn't sign up for this" yet in a way I did.

It doesn't matter because I love this man, who's a soldier. I love him and accept him and support him. But it takes a toll on a person, on this woman, wife, and mother. It's hard. I don't want to live the life of a single mother and I'm not a single mother, yet every other year I get the "opportunity" of parenting virutally alone. When only 4% of ALL American's are in the military, you can see that not a lot of people "GET" what I'm living through. I am blessed beyond measure with my friends who are Army wives and other military branch wives. Most people though do not have a true concept of this hardship.

I have to confess I find I have very little, to no empathy to someone who's husband goes away for a few days, a week, or even a month for a business trip, weekend get away, etc. It's hard for me to read of the wives who talk of their "hardship" when they just have to deal with it for a few days. Ok being REAL here...I want to SCREAM "get over it". Yet my head knows that even those small seperations are a big deal to them and it's their own personal burden...yet still my heart is screaming "at least he's not in a warzone, where terrorists want to kill him. At least he's not in a country that you don't even know if you can truly trust that countries military to not turn on you and try to shoot you in the back, literally. At least their not in a country where their own police may try to kill you or at least set it up so your killing can happen." See, not such a nice person am I? I'm selfish and am sick and tired of being seperated constantly. Even when he's home, they are training. They do on average 5 months of training in between deployments and that doesn't count any schools they may need to attend, any trainings, etc. It doesn't count the late nights at work. You can not even imagine the last weeks before a deployment how it seems like they've put off everything until days before it's time to go and they're working until all hours of the night and leaving at all hours of the morning and you're screaming "What about us? Where's our family time before you take him?". Then when they get back, sure they have time off, after a week or two of returning...then after the block leave is over everything starts arriving from the deployment and guess what...more early morning and late nights. It's this vicious cycle that never seems to end.

We're looking at retirement in the next few years and I wonder how many MORE deployments will we go through. Just because they're calling for a pull out of Iraq does not mean our deployments are up, no there's still Afganistan, and it's a dangerous place as well. Same routine before and after.

I just wonder just exactly how much more is left of me? I feel alone and abandoned. The loneliness sometimes is so absolutely overwhelming I can hardly breathe. I want to scream and be comforted. I want my husband to be able to wrap his arms around me and tell me "Everything's going to be ok", but he can't because he's in Iraq.

Yes I KNOW this is the life I chose. I CHOSE to marry a soldier. I CHOSE to have children with him. I just didn't know when we got married what being an Army wife would entail. This is NOT an easy life. It's the life I know and I'm used to it. I love my husband and children and most of the time I even can say with a full heart that I love the Army life, but right now I don't. Right now I want to throw myself down kicking and screaming and make the Army bring my husband home...safe and sound.

I am so unbelievably tired, yet I can't sleep. How can I be surrounded by love, grace, and friendship and still feel like I'm all alone? Lately the song that's on my heart is

"Does Anybody Hear Her" by Casting Crowns




She is running
A hundred miles an hour in the wrong direction
She is trying
But the canyon's ever widening
In the depths of her cold heart
So she sets out on another misadventure just to find
She's another two years older
And she's three more steps behind

Does anybody hear her?
Can anybody see?
Or does anybody even know she's going down today
Under the shadow of our steeple
With all the lost and lonely people
Searching for the hope that's tucked away in you and me
Does anybody hear her? Can anybody see?

She is yearning
For shelter and affection
That she never found at home
She is searching
For a hero to ride in
To ride in and save the day
And in walks her prince charming
And he knows just what to say
Momentary lapse of reason
And she gives herself away

Does anybody hear her? Can anybody see?
Or does anybody even know she's going down today
Under the shadow of our steeple
With all the lost and lonely people
Searching for the hope that's tucked away in you and me
Does anybody hear her? Can anybody see?

If judgment looms under every steeple
If lofty glances from lofty people
Can't see past her scarlet letter
And we've never even met herIf judgment looms under every steeple
If lofty glances from lofty people
Can't see past her scarlet letter
And we've never even met her
If Judgement looms under every steeple
If lofty glances from lofty people
Can't see past her scarlet letter And we've never even met her

Never even met her(Never Even Met her)
(OHHHHH)
Does anybody hear her?
Does anybody see?

Or does anybody even know she's going down today
Under the shadow of our steeple
With all the lost and lonely people
Searching for the hope that's tucked away in you and me
Does anybody hear her? (Does anybody hear her?)
Does anybody see? (Does anybody See?)
Does anybody even know she's going down today?
Under the shadow of our steeple (shadow of her steeple)
With all the lost and lonely people (Lost and Lonely people)
Searching for the hope that's tucked away in you and me
Does anybody hear her?
Does anybody see?
He is running a hundred miles an hour in the wrong direction