It's a long one, more whining, and a few other things....

I'm in a funk tonight. Jack is now sick. He had a fever that reached 104. I gave him some motrin and it started dropping FAST. He ate toast for dinner, drank some water and slept pretty well all afternoon and evening and is sleeping in my bed now. I'm so tired of this junk. Emma's molar is coming in and she's been an absolute joy. I think *** that's what her fever was from on Friday, could be wrong, it could have been a bug her body was fighting, but with her crackiness and the way she's waking up at night, I'm leaning towards the molar and anyone who says teething doesn't cause fevers, yeah..um..what ever. She's #4, we've been down this road before.

I haven't talked to B yet. Had a little cry over her today too. I haven't called and need to. Have to say that being at church this morning it was just blah. Jack sat beside me (during church is when his fever came on) and he layed on the pew (we were all alone on our pew after the kids left and he was never around other kids, but had I known before church we would not have gone). He didn't feel all that hot during church, a little on the warm side. I'm really NOT one of those parents who knowingly brings their sick kid to church, that's actually a HUGE pet peave and I think I've blogged enough about us staying home from events because of illness that people know that. Anyways, we scrapped our plans of going to the Christmas market downtown and stayed home for Jackson to rest.

I have to say right now I feel so selfish. Feeling so alone. I KNOW others care. I know I'm blessed with friends right here in our community as well as in the states. I talk to Emily almost daily. Talk to Tami quite a bit. Yet I just have such an emptiness inside of me right now. Let me just be blunt here. It sucks to have your two biggest support systems gone. Having Chad gone is HARD. VERY hard. I'm totally co-dependent on the man and I like it that way. I am a person who likes to have her husband around to take care of things. I don't like gross jobs like taking out the trash. I don't like cleaning out the fridge, yuck. I like being pampered a little. Then to have B leave in the midst of this deployment, where we're not even half way through...just sucks. I hate it. I feel abandoned. I know, I know I'm not...but I'm stuck in this stupid pity party right now and honestly I'm not sure when I'm going to pull myself out of it. I know it has to be soon. Because I am tired of writing the same junk over and over and I'm sure if you're reading this, you're tired of reading it too.

I have been seeking God so much lately. Reading God's word, delving into prayer, just having conversations with him. If anything through this my relationship is growing deeper. I'm definitely spending more time with him, as I should. Yet I still have such emptiness and sadness looming over me.

Here's another confession. I've been lying. Everyone asks me "how are you" and I say with a CHEERFUL smile "oh good" or even worse "Really great actually". I know it doesn't seem like it from what you read, but I can't stand pity. It annoys the daylights out of me. So faking it, or reality is...lying about how I am is easier. Satan I know, it's Satan. He's been winning that one without a doubt.

Oh I've been asked to sign during our offering at church any Sunday I want, any song I want. Our Praise and Worship Leader called and asked me to sing and told me that he'll accompany me, or if I have a track, what ever I want, when ever I want. So I'm trying to decide on a song. Right "now" it's between Casting Crowns: "Does Anybody Hear Her", and Shane and Shane's "Be Near". I feel more pulled to CC's song, but feel more confident singing Be Near. Of course it may end up being a totally different song. I've also played around with the idea of Mark Shultz's song "He's My Son". So if you'd pray for me on that, that God will make it clear to me what I'm to sing for HIM.

Ok I'm off.